Tuesday, November 1, 2016

7 ounces

I had my first cervical check with the MFM today.  Every two weeks she'll be measuring my cervix and seeing I'm dilated at all and checking for any sign of IC (incompetent cervix) or PTL (pre-term labor).  It's not believed I have IC, just PTL, which the progesterone shots should hopefully be helping with.

My cervix measured 6.31 cm today, which is awesome!!  You want over 4 cm.  So right now there's no sign of cervical shortening.

She also did a sort of anatomy scan where she measured and checked all diff parts of the baby.  I'm 17w4d today and she got most everything except the heart.  Everything looked normal, just some things she needed in the heart are still too small at this stage.  I also go the final a-okay on my CVS that this baby is genetically fine.

Then she told me how much the baby weighed today.  The baby is 7 oz.  7 oz.  That number struck a chord. Chase.  My beautiful, perfect Chase, was 7.2 oz at birth.  This baby was now the same weight as my oldest son when he was born.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chase after that moment. Chase, who should've just had his second Halloween. Chase at 7.2 oz whom I held.

The twins were born at 19 weeks and I am now 17 weeks.  I know what pretty much what this baby would like if he/she was born today. I can't stop seeing this baby and hoping I don't see him/her except via ultrasound, for quite a while still.

I cried a lot this afternoon after I got home from work.  Cried in grief for my son.  So far this baby is growing an oz a week (MFM said baby was 4 oz three weeks ago) so in two weeks when I return for my next check, baby will be about 9 oz.  Emma was 9.0 oz at birth.

I miss my kids so much.  I wish this had been done for them.  God, I wish I'd had the care then that I do now.  The white blood cell checks for infection, the cervical monitoring, all of it.  They'd be here, I know it.  They would.

I'm also having a hard time with my gender reveal.  It's at 19 weeks.  This month will be hard, these weeks hard.  I want to cancel it and just hide.  I just don't care what the gender is.  I feel like I should do this because I know the reveal has nothing to do with the outcome of the pregnancy.  Also, I did it for Katie and I celebrated and I had pictures.  I did go to the ER the morning of hers, with bleeding.  So the whole gender reveal thing is triggery.  But how do I tell this baby one day I was too scared to believe in you to celebrate?  I can't do that and so I'm trying, but it's just so hard.  I don't even know how I'm going to get the clubhouse it's at decorated.

I know this post is all over the place.  Just having a hard time tonight.  I'm glad Mary is doing well.

I'm having some BH that I'm tracking and also a lot of pelvic pain.  If I'm on my feet about an hourish, it hurts so bad I want to cry and I can hardly move.  My MFM recommended a belt, so I got one from amazon that should be here Thurs.

2 comments:

  1. Sending you love. I'm reading your posts, just bad a commenting. I'm cheering you on, here in the blogosphere. It sounds like Mary is doing wonderful!

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  2. Amber, you will do what is best. Many hugs. When I finally get there we will not find out the gender. Been on this road too long.

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