Friday, December 30, 2016

Anna Belle

Mary has a name!  DH and I decided on Anna Belle. Family hasn't cared for that name, so I actually haven't shared it with them yet.  Somehow having the name makes her more real.  With her being more real, came a lot more emotions, and not all of them good.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason after deciding on the name, I wanted to back out of it.  Even though it had been the name I'd wanted for so long.  I felt disconnected from her the min we decided it.  Then DH brought up painting the nursery and basically I shut down. I felt as if I made a huge mistake by having Anna and it was like I didn't want her. I know I do, I know how much I love her, but I didn't feel that way.  I don't know why.

I do know I've been struggling with a lot of grief over the holiday.  Wondering what it would've been like had Katie, Emma, and Chase celebrated together.  I still see them, but not her.  I've had trouble visualizing Anna into my family.

I do know the name is the right one, it's not that.  It's that I'm scared and just sad.  I wish I had all my children.  I've gotten a lot of comments over the holiday, things like can't wait for Katie to finally be a big sister. You'll have the "perfect family of 4". What is a perfect family?  I think my family would've been perfect if all my kids had been born alive. I guess I feel like with the birth of Anna, Emma, Chase, and Ivy will become insignificant.

Also, there's the fact that up until now I didn't actually think in my heart I'd get to bring Anna home. I was consumed with making it to viability, consumed with making sure I didn't get sick again.  My focus was on "if" she makes it.  Now "if" has become "when" and "most likely".  Can something still happen?  Absolutely, I'm well aware of placenta becoming detached, cord accidents, and other freak things that can happen.  Are these scenarios likely? No, not really.  If she were born today, it would be very scary and she'd be in a lot of danger, even with making viability. Viability is the chance to live, not the guarantee to live. But again, it's unlikely she'll be born this early.

At my appt on Tuesday, she weighed 1 lb, 13 oz (3 oz shy of 2 lbs), she's healthy and everything looked good.  Cervix very long and closed, no signs of dilation, no bleeding/spotting, I have plenty of fluid. I also told Kate about the baby on Tuesday and she came to the appt to see about the baby.  Not sure how much or what sunk in, but it will be an ongoing convo.

I did reach out online regarding my feelings and was told they aren't unusual.  I also told my MFM and will tell my OB next week.  Everyone has assured me that all of this is normal following a loss.  I also have a counseling appt where I'll be talking about it more.

With the realization I'm probably going to bring her home, comes the panic of getting things ready. I feel like I don't have any time, all of a sudden. April will be here soon, and there's a lot to do.  I know things can be done after she's here, but I also want to make it fair.  Katie had everything prepared before birth.  It's just all very mixed up in my head and I know somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have the chance to bring her home.

Anna looks amazingly like Katie.  I'm talking they could almost be twins.  I wonder if they'll continue to look alike and if their coloring will be the same.  Here's a comparison pic of NB Katie (hours after birth) and the latest 3D image of Anna.

Here's to meeting my sweet rainbow in the New Year and to continuing to heal. Happy New Year's everyone, here's to 2017!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  Thank you to everyone who's been there and supported me through the good times and the hard times.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm struggling a lot this holiday season.  I know I have my reasons to be happy and grateful and I am, but everything is complicated and grief is a process, not an event.

Wishing and praying for peace and light in everyone today.  Thank you all for the love and support.

Friday, December 16, 2016


I know it's been a while since I posted. There has and hasn't been a lot going on.  I'll start with all the good.

I'm 24 weeks!!!!  "Mary" is now viable!!  YAY!!!  I had my MFM appt this past Tues and she looked fantastic.  My cervix was over 4 inches long and everything looked great.  I was even able to get a great 3d image of her.  Doesn't she look like such a sweetheart???  Really feeling hopeful about holding a healthy "Mary" in my arms this April.

Mary enjoys breakfast tacos, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and kicking.

So, the not so great stuff...  I'm having A LOT of BH.  I'm talking almost nonstop.  Luckily it doesn't seem to be affecting my cervix, but it's concerning.  It happens regardless of my activity level or water consumption.  I naturally drink water like crazy. One thing that has helped it some is magnesium.  I drink a magnesium supplement twice a day and it's helped calm things down some, but I'm still getting them multiple times a day, every day. My MFM was going to release me after this past appointment on Tuesday, but she's changed her mind due to the BH and cramping (they come together).  She's going to check me out again on 12/27 and if I'm still having them, she's going to prescribe Procardia.  I was given Procardia injections with Katie when I went into PTL to stop it a little before being admitted for PTL.  Since I'm not actually having PTL, she thinks a script might calm down my uterus.  So, we'll see how the next two weeks go.  

The other thing is anxiety.  Anyone following me knows that this has been a struggle for me.  It's elevated a bit and reminds me a lot of when I had a Katie.  I had Post Partum Anxiety with her and didn't know it.  By the time I realized the constant intrusive thoughts and irrational fears were not normal, DH had just lost his job and I couldn't see my OB.  I conceived the twins a month after he got a new job.  I'm having the intrusive thoughts and some rational, but also irrational fears again.  I'm doing okay and functioning well day to day, but I'm very emotional and it's just been hard.  I've been talking to my counselor about it and I will mention it to my OB at my next appt. on January 5th. This anxiety is why I haven't posted in a while. 

So, here is "Mary" and I at 24 weeks.  While she's considered viable, she is definitely far from ready to leave my body. Next big goal is 28 weeks, but for now I celebrate this milestone.

She's 3!!

So, here we are three years later.  I can't believe my baby, my oldest child, is now 3.  She was the very best birthday gift I ever got and she makes my heart smile every single day.  So much has happened in the last three years. I don't even recognize myself in photos from "before".  However, this is the child that made me a mom.  The child who made my infertility fight worth it.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kate Lyn!

Here's a collage of birth, age 1, age 2, and age 3.  I love the girl so much.  There are just no words.

Her expression at seeing Santa for the first time.

Our first family picture ever

The one we just took for our holiday cards this year.

Here's a few things that tell about who she is right now:

Her birthday party is on Saturday and will be Mickey/Minnie Themed.  I'm really excited about it because she's really into birthdays and this will be the first one she really enjoys. She's going to have the best time and I can't wait to see that face of hers light up. So much mush I could say about this girl, but let me just say she is truly my absolute Sunshine and she is going to rock with "Mary" this Spring.