Friday, December 30, 2016

Anna Belle

Mary has a name!  DH and I decided on Anna Belle. Family hasn't cared for that name, so I actually haven't shared it with them yet.  Somehow having the name makes her more real.  With her being more real, came a lot more emotions, and not all of them good.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason after deciding on the name, I wanted to back out of it.  Even though it had been the name I'd wanted for so long.  I felt disconnected from her the min we decided it.  Then DH brought up painting the nursery and basically I shut down. I felt as if I made a huge mistake by having Anna and it was like I didn't want her. I know I do, I know how much I love her, but I didn't feel that way.  I don't know why.

I do know I've been struggling with a lot of grief over the holiday.  Wondering what it would've been like had Katie, Emma, and Chase celebrated together.  I still see them, but not her.  I've had trouble visualizing Anna into my family.

I do know the name is the right one, it's not that.  It's that I'm scared and just sad.  I wish I had all my children.  I've gotten a lot of comments over the holiday, things like can't wait for Katie to finally be a big sister. You'll have the "perfect family of 4". What is a perfect family?  I think my family would've been perfect if all my kids had been born alive. I guess I feel like with the birth of Anna, Emma, Chase, and Ivy will become insignificant.

Also, there's the fact that up until now I didn't actually think in my heart I'd get to bring Anna home. I was consumed with making it to viability, consumed with making sure I didn't get sick again.  My focus was on "if" she makes it.  Now "if" has become "when" and "most likely".  Can something still happen?  Absolutely, I'm well aware of placenta becoming detached, cord accidents, and other freak things that can happen.  Are these scenarios likely? No, not really.  If she were born today, it would be very scary and she'd be in a lot of danger, even with making viability. Viability is the chance to live, not the guarantee to live. But again, it's unlikely she'll be born this early.

At my appt on Tuesday, she weighed 1 lb, 13 oz (3 oz shy of 2 lbs), she's healthy and everything looked good.  Cervix very long and closed, no signs of dilation, no bleeding/spotting, I have plenty of fluid. I also told Kate about the baby on Tuesday and she came to the appt to see about the baby.  Not sure how much or what sunk in, but it will be an ongoing convo.

I did reach out online regarding my feelings and was told they aren't unusual.  I also told my MFM and will tell my OB next week.  Everyone has assured me that all of this is normal following a loss.  I also have a counseling appt where I'll be talking about it more.

With the realization I'm probably going to bring her home, comes the panic of getting things ready. I feel like I don't have any time, all of a sudden. April will be here soon, and there's a lot to do.  I know things can be done after she's here, but I also want to make it fair.  Katie had everything prepared before birth.  It's just all very mixed up in my head and I know somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have the chance to bring her home.

Anna looks amazingly like Katie.  I'm talking they could almost be twins.  I wonder if they'll continue to look alike and if their coloring will be the same.  Here's a comparison pic of NB Katie (hours after birth) and the latest 3D image of Anna.

Here's to meeting my sweet rainbow in the New Year and to continuing to heal. Happy New Year's everyone, here's to 2017!

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE that name!!! I have a daughter named Kate and her little sister is Anna Willow, though we often call her Annabelle. :) So happy for you! Love, Kj