Saturday, December 30, 2017

9 months

Hard to believe Miss Anna Belle is getting closer and closer to her first birthday.  She is now 9 months old. She' s crawling champion, but prefers to stand and cruise wherever she can. She wants to walk BAD. She is mostly sweet and happy, except these two pesky top teeth trying to cut through her poor gums. She is curious about everything and into all that she sees. She has her hand open all the time so that she can grab all that she can see. She is 17 lbs. 10 oz and 26" tall. She's on the smaller side, but big things come in small packages.













Merry Christmas and a happy New Year from all 4 of us. Hoping for a wonderful 2018!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

8 months

This precious cutie turned 8 months yesterday. So much development in the past month. She's way more interested in trying to stand than crawl and is obsessed with pulling up and can. She does crawl, but it's kind of an odd one, but for sure she gets around. She's still the happiest baby on earth and loves to play with toys and interact. She's so much fun and so sweet. She eats food through Baby Led Weaning. She's still on the smaller side, wearing 6 month clothes and currently trying to get over a cold. Bathtime is her very favorite activity.





Tuesday, October 31, 2017

7 months


What on Earth????  Can someone explain how I was pregnant yesterday and today I have a 7 month old? She turned 7 months last Friday, but it's has been nonstop crazy lately. Here's her official picture:



This little girl is milestone central right now. Hands are almost always in her mouth because she's cut her first tooth and that's always loads of fun. She is now rolling over, trying to move on her belly, sitting up completely unassisted, eating (baby led weaning), and trying to figure out everything put in front of her. She LOVES people, smiles, and giggles. While big sister is most definitely not a fan, she loves watching her and trying to interact when she can. You can see all the sweetness that is this precious girl starting to emerge as she's coming into her own. Month 7 will be huge for her.

Exactly a year ago today Ivy, Emma, Chase, Kate, David, and I made the announcement that our final member will hopefully be joining us in April. 



While she never quite made it to April, this year I'm proud to show off or beloved and precious Anna Belle all hatched from her pumpkin and part of our family.



Here are some more pictures taken of our sweet baby girl. We've been to a Pumpkin Patch this month and also a Trunk or Treat. Her first costume will be a flower and I can't wait to take her out tonight.










And I even managed one with big sister before we left for the Pumpkin Patch



 Here's some other fun pics taken in the past month. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life!







Saturday, September 30, 2017

6 month post partum update

I didn't want to combine this with my Anna post because she's too wonderful to have my damper on it. Truthfully I've struggled so much in the past six months. It's just been very, very hard.

I mentioned how my PCP said my thryoid wasn't great. Well labs confirmed that and we ended up changing medications when I saw him on September 20th. Unfortunately I was doing really bad at that point, I was struggling with energy and staying awake. I was having coffee nonstop and even caffeine pills and still struggling to stay awake and function. 

My PCP wanted to run more labs and in the meantime gave me phentermine to help with energy. Unfortunately I had a horrific reaction to that medication. I was dizzy, nauseous, and each day it just got worse. I felt like I had bugs crawling on my skin, I had tremors. My mind and my body were overtaken by this medication. It ended up affecting me negatively at work and I could've gotten in trouble. I called my PCP crying on Tuesday and told me to discontinue immediately. It's only now that the med has completely left my system.

My labs showed two major thyroid hormones were not good and my meds were changed on the 20th. Now that I'm off phentermine I'm able to see that maybe that med is helping. I see him again for a follow up on 10/5 because he redrew labs on the 20th. I've seen those results and my thyroid is even worse. It's very possible I don't have PPD, but just a serious issue with my thyroid. I'm going to talk to him and see if we want to leave me at my dose and retest or increase my dose, but I'm hoping if I can fix my thyroid levels, then maybe I can start feeling better. He also switched my antidepressant again and I'm currently on Prozac.

I'm angry with how bad my body and mind have been. How I've not been present like my family deserves. I hate myself for all my issues and struggles. It's been going on for so long and my family deserves better. I've pretty much disappeared from my online presence because it takes all I have just to make it through the day. For everyone I've let down, I'm incredibly sorry.

6 months

Can you believe it? I can hardly believe this little munchkin is here, let alone a full 6 months? I'm in shock. However, here we are, a half year of this lovely lady. 

Here's where we're at with Anna:
She can sit up unassisted for 1-5 minutes. With a boppy or some support, even longer and she's really into sitting. She doesn't roll over yet, but honestly, it's more of an I'm happy and content where I am, then an I can't. She easily rolls to her sides to grab at stuff. She LOVES people. She loves interaction. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life. She has a smile for anyone and everyone. Loves to be held, cuddled, played with, just everything. She is a very chill baby and a complete sweetheart.

No teeth at this time, but very actively teething. We are having some crankiness due to pain, but even amid the tears, if you give eye contact, she'll look at you and smile. Such a sweetheart.

Big sister is still adjusting and struggling. She does nothing to hurt her, just has no interest in her and will happily tell anyone and everyone that she's not a fan of her sister. I'm hoping in time. These girls are in opposite in personality as looks.

Anna has a 6 month appt coming up on 10/5. She seems healthy, only one minor cold so far. She's on the smaller side, she wears 3-6 month clothing, but she's a fun things in small packages kinda kid. She's added so much joy and sunshine to my life.




Here's some other highlights of recent pics:


She's really into grabbing her toes right now. 



Got this bath chair recently and she loves being able to sit and splash around.



This was taken just a week ago. Her first time ever in a cart.



Not a huge fan of tummy time, but we're pretty good at it.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

A day at the park

I've been doing so much better on the thyroid meds. It's been life changing. I can actually function and even enjoy being with my family. It's not perfect, but so much better.  I could hardly life before, I was just so tired and struggled so much with every little part of everything and now it's so much better. My mind is clearer, I feel happier, more connected to my family, I can go on and on, but it's definitely gotten a lot better.

My labs are available, but I can't access them on the portal until Monday afternoon, so we'll see. I still need to schedule the thyroid u/s too. My therapist called me and said they found temp place to do therapy from since the current offices were completely destroyed by Harvey, so I'll start again on the 19th. Starting to see the light again.

So, today was gorgeous weather and we went to the park. I ran into my MFM there and it was awesome to show off Anna on the "outside" and thank her in person for all she did to ensure Anna survived and came home to our family. She was leaving so I only saw her for a minute.

I am so grateful to her and to everyone who's supported me with all of this. I know I seem like a lunatic half the time and I'm amazed anyone even reads this blog still, to be honest. I do wonder if she'd been in charge of the twins would they be here. Tonight when I was putting Anna down in her room I looked around and for a minute I went back to the room I originally saw, the one with Lion King on it, instead of butterflies. I don't understand life or why things happen the way they do. I never will, I just have to accept what is and try to move forward.

I do want to somehow incorporate something Lion King in my home in their memory, just not sure what or how. It can be subtle, I just want to do something. I'm also working on something professionally that I hope turns into something because of them.

Here's a few pics from today:




Monday, September 4, 2017

Thyroid

I ended up seeing a new PCP on Friday. I'm just doing so badly that I couldn't keep letting it to go on. I can no longer see my therapist since the hurricane flooded her office so badly she's not sure when she can see patients again. I actually drove by there yesterday and just awful. Actually, driving all around town yesterday was very sobering. I am so lucky and my house is situated in a great place. Even though most of Houston flooded so horrible we're still dealing with a lot of aftermath, no food in stores, mail just resumed, I still don't have trash service, not back to work yet (I go back Thurs, kids next Mon), I could actually see my street the whole time and water never pooled.

So, I saw this new PCP because basically I felt like I was losing my mind. I just didn't know what else to do and was willing to take any and every pill shoved my way at this point. This PCP was recommended by a good friend of mine.

So I told him about the postpartum stuff, how utterly exhausted I am all the time, the depression, the anxiety, about how I can barely even cook dinner, inability to lose weight even with strict dieting, just laid it all out. He looks at me and says your thyroid is very messed up. I was confused at first because I never said the word thyroid to him. Never told him I had Hashimotos.

He told me everything about the way I sound and looks screams that my thyroid is very out of whack. I then told him about the Hashimotos and how I tried to get help and saw many specialists early in pregnancy, but everyone brushed me off so I gave up. He told me he isn't going to give up and prescribed me a diff med then the only one anyone would give me (cytomel instead of synthroid) and he took a bunch of blood work. He felt around my thyroid too and told me it felt very swollen and he wanted an ultrasound of it, so I'll call tomorrow to get that scheduled.

He told me if my thyroid is messed up, no anti anxiety or antidepressant is going to help me. So he ran labs and now I'm on day 3 of cytomel and I feel a difference. I don't feel crazy, like I'm losing my mind. I'm not so depressed I'm breaking down. I have more energy. I'm tired, but not sit on the couch can't move tired. I was so much calmer yesterday. I'm really hopeful this might be the answer.

I'll update once labs come in and stuff. He wants to redo bloodwork after six weeks as well, just to see how the meds are doing and then change things as needed. I'm so glad to have found this pcp.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

PTSD and Harvey

Even before Anna was born, I've been struggling with PTSD since the twins loss. One thing that makes it really bad is rain, particularly a bad storm.

I do live in the Houston area and I was affected by Hurricane Harvey. Let me begin with I am VERY lucky. I kept my electricity the whole time and my house did not flood. We did have a small leak in the attic, but the bucket didn't fill very much even with the raging storm that went on nonstop Friday-Tuesday night. Will be getting a sealant to fix that leak, but otherwise we've remained pretty good.

The emotional take from the storm has been horrible. I've been struggling with PPD since Anna's birth, then on top of it the storm. I couldn't get away from the night the twins were born because at that time we were going through some horrible storms that also caused flooding and shut down schools and roads. In fact, no one made it out to see Chase (A friend who was trapped in the hospital with me from the storms was the only one there) because of how bad it was.

A couple of days into Harvey I also got AF, so there's cramping, bleeding, and a raging storm and emotionally I could barely take it. I held it together, but now that the storm is over, I find my feelings too much to control and I'm crying and falling apart.

I was supposed to have counseling today and to be honest, I was already thinking of cancelling because I don't feel it's helping much this time. However, my therapist left me a message yesterday that the office is flooded so bad they have to close for a while and have no idea when the office will be safe again to work in or if they'll find another one, so for now I wait, but she told me it would be a few weeks minimum.

Last night I fell apart and started crying. My husband put both kids down because the cramping was horrible and I just couldn't function. I hate myself for all of this. I hate who I am, I hate that I struggle, I hate that I can't just get over it and move on. Look at how wonderful my girls are, they deserve the best.

I feel like it's never going to get better for me. I want to find a pill to turn off the feelings. I don't want to feel anything any more, just be numb so I can try and be the person people deserve. I've retreated so much. I don't talk to my friends hardly at all, I don't post in my online group although I read along and check. I just can't. I can't and I hate me, I hate me so much.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

5 months

Not sure how it suddenly became 5 months, but here we are. Not sure what to think to be honest. Anna continues to be such a sweetheart. I swear, for anyone who's seen it, she's the lego movie. She's just "Everything is awesome", all the time. She's so smiley and happy.

The skin is feeling more like baby skin now thanks for a very good eczema cream. She still only takes in 3-4 oz at a time and in general is a smaller baby. She still wears 3 months clothes, sometimes I put her in 6 months, but she has lots of room to grow in those.

She still needs to be swaddled and sleeps in a merlin. She doesn't roll over yet. She's kind of just happy where she's at. She loves jumping on her jumparoo and bouncer. She's reaching for items and putting all the things in her mouth. No teeth yet. She LOVES people, she likes dolls and anything with faces. She loves songs and music, especially Soft Kitty. She's just a happy baby and she touches my heart and soul.

Katie is growing a lot more accepting of her. She's more herself and less resentful although, of course, we still have our moments.

My PPD is not good. The Zoloft helped for a bit, then it made me worse and I started having thoughts of self-harm. I reduced it and while I no longer breakdown crying, I'm still depressed a lot. I think I'm dealing with guilt/grief over twins. I'm also chronically tired. I was on a diet for a bit, but lost no weight and gained no energy. I just want to sleep all the time. I'm planning to get a physical and do a full round of bloodwork and go from there. It's just been hard and I feel like a piece of shit human who's abandoned everyone and everything and I'm sorry, I just spend each day trying to get through it. I very much rely on the Klonopin for anxiety.

So......  Here's Miss Anna Belle at 5 months old! She had her first food today, a banana and was not a fan, lol!!







Saturday, August 12, 2017

missing my twins

Now that the depression has lifted I feel myself struggling with the loss of the twins more. I feel like in the last month I've met quite a few people who have twins and as I'm getting to see Anna grow more and see the similarities and differences between her and Kate I find myself having a hard time with the losses again. Like why? Why are my twins gone? I still don't understand it, although I have to learn to make peace with it. I'm just having a very, very hard time and I find myself again dealing with anger.

A very good friend of mine had twins in Feb. Today is the bday party for her four year old and of course we're going, but I don't want to. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to see her babies. It's weird because I've seen them a lot since being born and it's just now bothering me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it today. I feel like such a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Why aren't Anna and Kate enough? Why does it still hurt this bad? Will I ever get "over" it? I'm just really, really struggling. I feel like now that my Zoloft has gotten rid of the overall sadness i'm just left with this awful pain. Should I increase my Zoloft? I feel like taking all of them right now (I won't, I'm not suicidal, just hurting atm).

Please send me some thoughts, some prayers, something to help me get through today.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

PPD Update

For once I'm going to have a better update, a more positive one.

I've been on Zoloft just shy of 4 weeks now and I can't even explain the change in me. I enjoy being with my girls. I feel connected to them. I feel some happiness, like deep inside, and just so much gratefulness for my precious girls.

Katie and I had a date on Monday because I'm returning to work tomorrow full-time and we got haircuts, lunch, and mani/pedi. Well, mani/pedi for her and just a pedi for me. It was her first time at a salon and it was just so much fun. I truly enjoyed it and just felt so grateful that after the infertility, the tears, the losses, I have these two girls to raise.

I miss my others with all my heart, but it's not taking away from the joy these two bring me. Anna has smiles that go on for miles. She only cries if she's hungry or tired. Otherwise it's great big smiles and contentment. Big sister is getting adjusted more. Her BM issues are so much better, she's going in the potty regularly now. She's no longer afraid. She's interacting with her sister and helping soothe her when she cries and even plays with her a little bit. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it's only the Zoloft. I know without it I'd still be in that dark, gray place. I still hate that, but I'm glad for now I'm feeling better and can be a better mom, wife, friend, etc. I do feel robbed of my summer due to the ppd. You don't realize how bad it was until you feel better.

So, here I am, finally with a happier update. Ready to make the most of my last day with my girls before the craziness of work.

Friday, July 28, 2017

4 months

I'll start with the cute one and then go into the PPD/PPA update.

Can you believe Miss Anna Belle is 4 months????  I sure can't either. She is all kinds of active. She's loving her jumparoo and sit in piano toy and this weekend I'm getting her an exersaucer. She also loves her doorway bouncer and playmat. She is so sweet and smiley almost all the time and crying is reserved for hungry and/or tired. She coos a lot too and I think she'll end up being an early talker.

Even though she turned 4 months yesterday, I wanted to post today after her pedi appt. She is 14 lbs and 23" tall. She's short in height and average in weight. She has eczema and some bad red areas from it. Pedi is prescribing a steroid cream to help with the worse areas and I'm to use eczema lotion as much as I can. Her head is slightly flat, but nothing that shouldn't correct herself. She's developmentally on target.


Here's a comparison with big sister Kate. Big sister weighed 16 lbs. 5 oz and was 24" tall at four months.


Here's some other fun photos of Anna taken in the last month








Big Sister

Things are not great in this department. Katie very strongly dislikes Anna. She asks us to take her back. She won't interact with her and has tried taking her toys away. She also gets mad if she's in certain playthings, like the swing. If Anna requires "too much" attention, then Katie responds by peeing in her panties. I was hoping she'd be over this stuff by now, but no. For a while it was got bad where anytime Anna was being held or fed she was engaging in dangerous behavior like jumping from furniture. Luckily this has stopped. I'm having a hard time with this situation and honestly I'm just very sad about it.


PPD

Not sure where I left off with this, but Wellbutrin didn't do anything for me. I ended up seeing my pedi two weeks ago and have started on Zoloft. Since starting it I haven't had any major breakdowns or crying fits. He also increased my Klonopin and unfortunately I need it most days.

I feel very disconnected and still sad, although I guess more functional, especially now that I'm not breaking down. I'm still very upset with myself for this, but I guess it is what it is.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

emotions

I've been on the Zoloft since Saturday. I saw online it can cause insomnia, so I chose to take it in the morning. For me it was causing sleepiness, so last night I tried it at night and I did experience pretty bad insomnia and nausea.

It's only been a few days, but I do feel calmer. I'm not breaking down as much and I feel functional. One bonus side effect is low appetite. I need to lose some weight anyways.

Today I feel angry and depressed. Just angry that I have to take the meds, angry about the PPD. Angry that I have issues, that I can't just enjoy my family. I have two beautiful an amazing girls and I'm trapped in this emotional hell and I'm missing them and missing their lives. I'm so angry at myself. How much of Katie's life did I miss after losing the twins? Now Anna. Se's already almost 4 months old and how present have I been? Truly present. You don't ever get this time back.

I hate being the way that I am. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I can't just get over, get past, get wherever it is I need to be to just live my life, enjoy my girls. I'll always miss my other twins, but will life always hurt so bad? Will I always be on the outside looking in wishing I could just live it?

It's hard to explain. I'm just sad and I'm angry and I wish I was a better person.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Followup with OB

I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.

Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?

I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.

I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.

I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Update

Keeping this short since I honestly have a hard time talking about the ppd without wanting to shut down and crawl into a hole.

I've tried yoga for a while now and while it helps a bit, I still struggle a lot. I tried a supplement and I thought the first day it was life changing, but it seems like it only worked that one day. I had an appt with my counselor and was supposed to have another one this week. I didn't feel like I got much out of it the first appt, almost like the PPD was dismissed. I accidentally missed the next appt because we changed the time and I forgot. She didn't have any other openings. I scheduled for next week and then cancelled because I struggle to talk about anything and I just don't feel it's going to make a diff.

All other resources posted on my blog or given to me from anyone who knows have come to dead ends. People on maternity leave so I can't be seen for over a month, no people to see in my area (very hard to travel too far with a job and two young kids), so nothing much worked out. I called my OBs office again since I have a work break first week of August. I talked to the nurse who talked to another doctor there and they don't want me to wait for meds. They asked me about Lexapro, but I had a horrible reaction about a year and a half ago on it. So they are trying Welbutrin. I'm also taking the Klonopin for the anxiety and that's working well for that, but not the depression.

I've been on Welbutrin since Thursday and so far no difference. My cycles have started back too, so that's fun.  OB will supposedly call on Monday to check in with me since he'll be back in the office and then they can do an in person follow up the week I have off of work. We'll see. I know I took this med once before years ago and I don't think it did anything, but that was under diff circumstances.

I hate myself so much for this. I have a good family and I love them, I just hate the way I feel and I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of them. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Months

How is it possible that my newborn has transformed into an infant? I swear I was just pregnant with her and then she was born and now she's an infant!

Her personality is blossoming as well. Other than colic (8:00 pm to 1:30 am), she doesn't cry much and she's as happy as can be. Her nights and days are still mixed up. She's spending all her waking moments trying to flip over from back to stomach, she has no interest in stomach to back. She can get to her side. She also loves to grab at items. She's very relaxed and just loving life.


I got this outfit at my baby shower and wanted to get a picture of Anna in it before she outgrows it. For me the rainbow is the pain and tears, not my kids. My kids will never be my storm.




She is such an amazing girl and I am lucky to have her. I love getting to see her grow and change and come into her own little by little.

As far as the PPD goes, it's not any better. I did see my therapist last week but the session was more, here's how the past 3 months have gone type thing. I'm struggling a lot and have had a few breakdowns. I did to back on facebook because I had many people messaging me and asking why I deleted them. I honestly couldn't handle the questions and I'm not open with people about how much I'm struggling so I didn't want to explain anything.

The anxiety is bad and so is the depression. I cry a lot. Katie does not like Anna any more now than three months ago. I could go on and on, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I am so ashamed of how I feel. I wanted her so much and how dare I feel like I do?

I called to make an appt with my OB, but he's on vacation this week and next and ti's hard to get in with summer school. So I don't know when I'll be able to see him and I'm losing my nerve anyways. I just want to go crawl into a cave and live there.