Tuesday, November 28, 2017

8 months

This precious cutie turned 8 months yesterday. So much development in the past month. She's way more interested in trying to stand than crawl and is obsessed with pulling up and can. She does crawl, but it's kind of an odd one, but for sure she gets around. She's still the happiest baby on earth and loves to play with toys and interact. She's so much fun and so sweet. She eats food through Baby Led Weaning. She's still on the smaller side, wearing 6 month clothes and currently trying to get over a cold. Bathtime is her very favorite activity.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

7 months

What on Earth????  Can someone explain how I was pregnant yesterday and today I have a 7 month old? She turned 7 months last Friday, but it's has been nonstop crazy lately. Here's her official picture:

This little girl is milestone central right now. Hands are almost always in her mouth because she's cut her first tooth and that's always loads of fun. She is now rolling over, trying to move on her belly, sitting up completely unassisted, eating (baby led weaning), and trying to figure out everything put in front of her. She LOVES people, smiles, and giggles. While big sister is most definitely not a fan, she loves watching her and trying to interact when she can. You can see all the sweetness that is this precious girl starting to emerge as she's coming into her own. Month 7 will be huge for her.

Exactly a year ago today Ivy, Emma, Chase, Kate, David, and I made the announcement that our final member will hopefully be joining us in April. 

While she never quite made it to April, this year I'm proud to show off or beloved and precious Anna Belle all hatched from her pumpkin and part of our family.

Here are some more pictures taken of our sweet baby girl. We've been to a Pumpkin Patch this month and also a Trunk or Treat. Her first costume will be a flower and I can't wait to take her out tonight.

And I even managed one with big sister before we left for the Pumpkin Patch

 Here's some other fun pics taken in the past month. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

6 month post partum update

I didn't want to combine this with my Anna post because she's too wonderful to have my damper on it. Truthfully I've struggled so much in the past six months. It's just been very, very hard.

I mentioned how my PCP said my thryoid wasn't great. Well labs confirmed that and we ended up changing medications when I saw him on September 20th. Unfortunately I was doing really bad at that point, I was struggling with energy and staying awake. I was having coffee nonstop and even caffeine pills and still struggling to stay awake and function. 

My PCP wanted to run more labs and in the meantime gave me phentermine to help with energy. Unfortunately I had a horrific reaction to that medication. I was dizzy, nauseous, and each day it just got worse. I felt like I had bugs crawling on my skin, I had tremors. My mind and my body were overtaken by this medication. It ended up affecting me negatively at work and I could've gotten in trouble. I called my PCP crying on Tuesday and told me to discontinue immediately. It's only now that the med has completely left my system.

My labs showed two major thyroid hormones were not good and my meds were changed on the 20th. Now that I'm off phentermine I'm able to see that maybe that med is helping. I see him again for a follow up on 10/5 because he redrew labs on the 20th. I've seen those results and my thyroid is even worse. It's very possible I don't have PPD, but just a serious issue with my thyroid. I'm going to talk to him and see if we want to leave me at my dose and retest or increase my dose, but I'm hoping if I can fix my thyroid levels, then maybe I can start feeling better. He also switched my antidepressant again and I'm currently on Prozac.

I'm angry with how bad my body and mind have been. How I've not been present like my family deserves. I hate myself for all my issues and struggles. It's been going on for so long and my family deserves better. I've pretty much disappeared from my online presence because it takes all I have just to make it through the day. For everyone I've let down, I'm incredibly sorry.

6 months

Can you believe it? I can hardly believe this little munchkin is here, let alone a full 6 months? I'm in shock. However, here we are, a half year of this lovely lady. 

Here's where we're at with Anna:
She can sit up unassisted for 1-5 minutes. With a boppy or some support, even longer and she's really into sitting. She doesn't roll over yet, but honestly, it's more of an I'm happy and content where I am, then an I can't. She easily rolls to her sides to grab at stuff. She LOVES people. She loves interaction. She is the happiest baby I've ever seen in my life. She has a smile for anyone and everyone. Loves to be held, cuddled, played with, just everything. She is a very chill baby and a complete sweetheart.

No teeth at this time, but very actively teething. We are having some crankiness due to pain, but even amid the tears, if you give eye contact, she'll look at you and smile. Such a sweetheart.

Big sister is still adjusting and struggling. She does nothing to hurt her, just has no interest in her and will happily tell anyone and everyone that she's not a fan of her sister. I'm hoping in time. These girls are in opposite in personality as looks.

Anna has a 6 month appt coming up on 10/5. She seems healthy, only one minor cold so far. She's on the smaller side, she wears 3-6 month clothing, but she's a fun things in small packages kinda kid. She's added so much joy and sunshine to my life.

Here's some other highlights of recent pics:

She's really into grabbing her toes right now. 

Got this bath chair recently and she loves being able to sit and splash around.

This was taken just a week ago. Her first time ever in a cart.

Not a huge fan of tummy time, but we're pretty good at it.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

A day at the park

I've been doing so much better on the thyroid meds. It's been life changing. I can actually function and even enjoy being with my family. It's not perfect, but so much better.  I could hardly life before, I was just so tired and struggled so much with every little part of everything and now it's so much better. My mind is clearer, I feel happier, more connected to my family, I can go on and on, but it's definitely gotten a lot better.

My labs are available, but I can't access them on the portal until Monday afternoon, so we'll see. I still need to schedule the thyroid u/s too. My therapist called me and said they found temp place to do therapy from since the current offices were completely destroyed by Harvey, so I'll start again on the 19th. Starting to see the light again.

So, today was gorgeous weather and we went to the park. I ran into my MFM there and it was awesome to show off Anna on the "outside" and thank her in person for all she did to ensure Anna survived and came home to our family. She was leaving so I only saw her for a minute.

I am so grateful to her and to everyone who's supported me with all of this. I know I seem like a lunatic half the time and I'm amazed anyone even reads this blog still, to be honest. I do wonder if she'd been in charge of the twins would they be here. Tonight when I was putting Anna down in her room I looked around and for a minute I went back to the room I originally saw, the one with Lion King on it, instead of butterflies. I don't understand life or why things happen the way they do. I never will, I just have to accept what is and try to move forward.

I do want to somehow incorporate something Lion King in my home in their memory, just not sure what or how. It can be subtle, I just want to do something. I'm also working on something professionally that I hope turns into something because of them.

Here's a few pics from today:

Monday, September 4, 2017


I ended up seeing a new PCP on Friday. I'm just doing so badly that I couldn't keep letting it to go on. I can no longer see my therapist since the hurricane flooded her office so badly she's not sure when she can see patients again. I actually drove by there yesterday and just awful. Actually, driving all around town yesterday was very sobering. I am so lucky and my house is situated in a great place. Even though most of Houston flooded so horrible we're still dealing with a lot of aftermath, no food in stores, mail just resumed, I still don't have trash service, not back to work yet (I go back Thurs, kids next Mon), I could actually see my street the whole time and water never pooled.

So, I saw this new PCP because basically I felt like I was losing my mind. I just didn't know what else to do and was willing to take any and every pill shoved my way at this point. This PCP was recommended by a good friend of mine.

So I told him about the postpartum stuff, how utterly exhausted I am all the time, the depression, the anxiety, about how I can barely even cook dinner, inability to lose weight even with strict dieting, just laid it all out. He looks at me and says your thyroid is very messed up. I was confused at first because I never said the word thyroid to him. Never told him I had Hashimotos.

He told me everything about the way I sound and looks screams that my thyroid is very out of whack. I then told him about the Hashimotos and how I tried to get help and saw many specialists early in pregnancy, but everyone brushed me off so I gave up. He told me he isn't going to give up and prescribed me a diff med then the only one anyone would give me (cytomel instead of synthroid) and he took a bunch of blood work. He felt around my thyroid too and told me it felt very swollen and he wanted an ultrasound of it, so I'll call tomorrow to get that scheduled.

He told me if my thyroid is messed up, no anti anxiety or antidepressant is going to help me. So he ran labs and now I'm on day 3 of cytomel and I feel a difference. I don't feel crazy, like I'm losing my mind. I'm not so depressed I'm breaking down. I have more energy. I'm tired, but not sit on the couch can't move tired. I was so much calmer yesterday. I'm really hopeful this might be the answer.

I'll update once labs come in and stuff. He wants to redo bloodwork after six weeks as well, just to see how the meds are doing and then change things as needed. I'm so glad to have found this pcp.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

PTSD and Harvey

Even before Anna was born, I've been struggling with PTSD since the twins loss. One thing that makes it really bad is rain, particularly a bad storm.

I do live in the Houston area and I was affected by Hurricane Harvey. Let me begin with I am VERY lucky. I kept my electricity the whole time and my house did not flood. We did have a small leak in the attic, but the bucket didn't fill very much even with the raging storm that went on nonstop Friday-Tuesday night. Will be getting a sealant to fix that leak, but otherwise we've remained pretty good.

The emotional take from the storm has been horrible. I've been struggling with PPD since Anna's birth, then on top of it the storm. I couldn't get away from the night the twins were born because at that time we were going through some horrible storms that also caused flooding and shut down schools and roads. In fact, no one made it out to see Chase (A friend who was trapped in the hospital with me from the storms was the only one there) because of how bad it was.

A couple of days into Harvey I also got AF, so there's cramping, bleeding, and a raging storm and emotionally I could barely take it. I held it together, but now that the storm is over, I find my feelings too much to control and I'm crying and falling apart.

I was supposed to have counseling today and to be honest, I was already thinking of cancelling because I don't feel it's helping much this time. However, my therapist left me a message yesterday that the office is flooded so bad they have to close for a while and have no idea when the office will be safe again to work in or if they'll find another one, so for now I wait, but she told me it would be a few weeks minimum.

Last night I fell apart and started crying. My husband put both kids down because the cramping was horrible and I just couldn't function. I hate myself for all of this. I hate who I am, I hate that I struggle, I hate that I can't just get over it and move on. Look at how wonderful my girls are, they deserve the best.

I feel like it's never going to get better for me. I want to find a pill to turn off the feelings. I don't want to feel anything any more, just be numb so I can try and be the person people deserve. I've retreated so much. I don't talk to my friends hardly at all, I don't post in my online group although I read along and check. I just can't. I can't and I hate me, I hate me so much.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

5 months

Not sure how it suddenly became 5 months, but here we are. Not sure what to think to be honest. Anna continues to be such a sweetheart. I swear, for anyone who's seen it, she's the lego movie. She's just "Everything is awesome", all the time. She's so smiley and happy.

The skin is feeling more like baby skin now thanks for a very good eczema cream. She still only takes in 3-4 oz at a time and in general is a smaller baby. She still wears 3 months clothes, sometimes I put her in 6 months, but she has lots of room to grow in those.

She still needs to be swaddled and sleeps in a merlin. She doesn't roll over yet. She's kind of just happy where she's at. She loves jumping on her jumparoo and bouncer. She's reaching for items and putting all the things in her mouth. No teeth yet. She LOVES people, she likes dolls and anything with faces. She loves songs and music, especially Soft Kitty. She's just a happy baby and she touches my heart and soul.

Katie is growing a lot more accepting of her. She's more herself and less resentful although, of course, we still have our moments.

My PPD is not good. The Zoloft helped for a bit, then it made me worse and I started having thoughts of self-harm. I reduced it and while I no longer breakdown crying, I'm still depressed a lot. I think I'm dealing with guilt/grief over twins. I'm also chronically tired. I was on a diet for a bit, but lost no weight and gained no energy. I just want to sleep all the time. I'm planning to get a physical and do a full round of bloodwork and go from there. It's just been hard and I feel like a piece of shit human who's abandoned everyone and everything and I'm sorry, I just spend each day trying to get through it. I very much rely on the Klonopin for anxiety.

So......  Here's Miss Anna Belle at 5 months old! She had her first food today, a banana and was not a fan, lol!!

Saturday, August 12, 2017

missing my twins

Now that the depression has lifted I feel myself struggling with the loss of the twins more. I feel like in the last month I've met quite a few people who have twins and as I'm getting to see Anna grow more and see the similarities and differences between her and Kate I find myself having a hard time with the losses again. Like why? Why are my twins gone? I still don't understand it, although I have to learn to make peace with it. I'm just having a very, very hard time and I find myself again dealing with anger.

A very good friend of mine had twins in Feb. Today is the bday party for her four year old and of course we're going, but I don't want to. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to see her babies. It's weird because I've seen them a lot since being born and it's just now bothering me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it today. I feel like such a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Why aren't Anna and Kate enough? Why does it still hurt this bad? Will I ever get "over" it? I'm just really, really struggling. I feel like now that my Zoloft has gotten rid of the overall sadness i'm just left with this awful pain. Should I increase my Zoloft? I feel like taking all of them right now (I won't, I'm not suicidal, just hurting atm).

Please send me some thoughts, some prayers, something to help me get through today.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

PPD Update

For once I'm going to have a better update, a more positive one.

I've been on Zoloft just shy of 4 weeks now and I can't even explain the change in me. I enjoy being with my girls. I feel connected to them. I feel some happiness, like deep inside, and just so much gratefulness for my precious girls.

Katie and I had a date on Monday because I'm returning to work tomorrow full-time and we got haircuts, lunch, and mani/pedi. Well, mani/pedi for her and just a pedi for me. It was her first time at a salon and it was just so much fun. I truly enjoyed it and just felt so grateful that after the infertility, the tears, the losses, I have these two girls to raise.

I miss my others with all my heart, but it's not taking away from the joy these two bring me. Anna has smiles that go on for miles. She only cries if she's hungry or tired. Otherwise it's great big smiles and contentment. Big sister is getting adjusted more. Her BM issues are so much better, she's going in the potty regularly now. She's no longer afraid. She's interacting with her sister and helping soothe her when she cries and even plays with her a little bit. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it's only the Zoloft. I know without it I'd still be in that dark, gray place. I still hate that, but I'm glad for now I'm feeling better and can be a better mom, wife, friend, etc. I do feel robbed of my summer due to the ppd. You don't realize how bad it was until you feel better.

So, here I am, finally with a happier update. Ready to make the most of my last day with my girls before the craziness of work.

Friday, July 28, 2017

4 months

I'll start with the cute one and then go into the PPD/PPA update.

Can you believe Miss Anna Belle is 4 months????  I sure can't either. She is all kinds of active. She's loving her jumparoo and sit in piano toy and this weekend I'm getting her an exersaucer. She also loves her doorway bouncer and playmat. She is so sweet and smiley almost all the time and crying is reserved for hungry and/or tired. She coos a lot too and I think she'll end up being an early talker.

Even though she turned 4 months yesterday, I wanted to post today after her pedi appt. She is 14 lbs and 23" tall. She's short in height and average in weight. She has eczema and some bad red areas from it. Pedi is prescribing a steroid cream to help with the worse areas and I'm to use eczema lotion as much as I can. Her head is slightly flat, but nothing that shouldn't correct herself. She's developmentally on target.

Here's a comparison with big sister Kate. Big sister weighed 16 lbs. 5 oz and was 24" tall at four months.

Here's some other fun photos of Anna taken in the last month

Big Sister

Things are not great in this department. Katie very strongly dislikes Anna. She asks us to take her back. She won't interact with her and has tried taking her toys away. She also gets mad if she's in certain playthings, like the swing. If Anna requires "too much" attention, then Katie responds by peeing in her panties. I was hoping she'd be over this stuff by now, but no. For a while it was got bad where anytime Anna was being held or fed she was engaging in dangerous behavior like jumping from furniture. Luckily this has stopped. I'm having a hard time with this situation and honestly I'm just very sad about it.


Not sure where I left off with this, but Wellbutrin didn't do anything for me. I ended up seeing my pedi two weeks ago and have started on Zoloft. Since starting it I haven't had any major breakdowns or crying fits. He also increased my Klonopin and unfortunately I need it most days.

I feel very disconnected and still sad, although I guess more functional, especially now that I'm not breaking down. I'm still very upset with myself for this, but I guess it is what it is.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


I've been on the Zoloft since Saturday. I saw online it can cause insomnia, so I chose to take it in the morning. For me it was causing sleepiness, so last night I tried it at night and I did experience pretty bad insomnia and nausea.

It's only been a few days, but I do feel calmer. I'm not breaking down as much and I feel functional. One bonus side effect is low appetite. I need to lose some weight anyways.

Today I feel angry and depressed. Just angry that I have to take the meds, angry about the PPD. Angry that I have issues, that I can't just enjoy my family. I have two beautiful an amazing girls and I'm trapped in this emotional hell and I'm missing them and missing their lives. I'm so angry at myself. How much of Katie's life did I miss after losing the twins? Now Anna. Se's already almost 4 months old and how present have I been? Truly present. You don't ever get this time back.

I hate being the way that I am. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I can't just get over, get past, get wherever it is I need to be to just live my life, enjoy my girls. I'll always miss my other twins, but will life always hurt so bad? Will I always be on the outside looking in wishing I could just live it?

It's hard to explain. I'm just sad and I'm angry and I wish I was a better person.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Followup with OB

I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.

Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?

I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.

I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.

I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.

Sunday, July 9, 2017


Keeping this short since I honestly have a hard time talking about the ppd without wanting to shut down and crawl into a hole.

I've tried yoga for a while now and while it helps a bit, I still struggle a lot. I tried a supplement and I thought the first day it was life changing, but it seems like it only worked that one day. I had an appt with my counselor and was supposed to have another one this week. I didn't feel like I got much out of it the first appt, almost like the PPD was dismissed. I accidentally missed the next appt because we changed the time and I forgot. She didn't have any other openings. I scheduled for next week and then cancelled because I struggle to talk about anything and I just don't feel it's going to make a diff.

All other resources posted on my blog or given to me from anyone who knows have come to dead ends. People on maternity leave so I can't be seen for over a month, no people to see in my area (very hard to travel too far with a job and two young kids), so nothing much worked out. I called my OBs office again since I have a work break first week of August. I talked to the nurse who talked to another doctor there and they don't want me to wait for meds. They asked me about Lexapro, but I had a horrible reaction about a year and a half ago on it. So they are trying Welbutrin. I'm also taking the Klonopin for the anxiety and that's working well for that, but not the depression.

I've been on Welbutrin since Thursday and so far no difference. My cycles have started back too, so that's fun.  OB will supposedly call on Monday to check in with me since he'll be back in the office and then they can do an in person follow up the week I have off of work. We'll see. I know I took this med once before years ago and I don't think it did anything, but that was under diff circumstances.

I hate myself so much for this. I have a good family and I love them, I just hate the way I feel and I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of them. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Months

How is it possible that my newborn has transformed into an infant? I swear I was just pregnant with her and then she was born and now she's an infant!

Her personality is blossoming as well. Other than colic (8:00 pm to 1:30 am), she doesn't cry much and she's as happy as can be. Her nights and days are still mixed up. She's spending all her waking moments trying to flip over from back to stomach, she has no interest in stomach to back. She can get to her side. She also loves to grab at items. She's very relaxed and just loving life.

I got this outfit at my baby shower and wanted to get a picture of Anna in it before she outgrows it. For me the rainbow is the pain and tears, not my kids. My kids will never be my storm.

She is such an amazing girl and I am lucky to have her. I love getting to see her grow and change and come into her own little by little.

As far as the PPD goes, it's not any better. I did see my therapist last week but the session was more, here's how the past 3 months have gone type thing. I'm struggling a lot and have had a few breakdowns. I did to back on facebook because I had many people messaging me and asking why I deleted them. I honestly couldn't handle the questions and I'm not open with people about how much I'm struggling so I didn't want to explain anything.

The anxiety is bad and so is the depression. I cry a lot. Katie does not like Anna any more now than three months ago. I could go on and on, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I am so ashamed of how I feel. I wanted her so much and how dare I feel like I do?

I called to make an appt with my OB, but he's on vacation this week and next and ti's hard to get in with summer school. So I don't know when I'll be able to see him and I'm losing my nerve anyways. I just want to go crawl into a cave and live there.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Thank You

I want to thank those of you who left me comments and just thank you for the support. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about this. Also more people are finding out I left FB and now I'm having anxiety about reactivating my account. Having everyone be like where did you go and what happened? But one step at a time, trying not to think about that.

I made an appt to see my therapist on Thursday. I'm not sure how to even get myself in her office because I'm deeply ashamed for how I feel. I just want to go hide in a cave. I love my girls so much it's all just so complicated and I hate myself for not enjoying them and feeling the way that I do. However, they are worth their mom getting better so I'm trying. I'm going to make myself go there.

I did yoga last night and I'm feeling better emotionally from that too. I'm trying, I'm really trying. I want to be better, to live better, to find happiness. I love my girls, I really really do.

I'll keep updating, if anything, for the accountability. Thank you guys for the support and the loving words. They mean so much.

Now to show off the pics I had made for DH for his Father's Day gift from the girls. Can you believe Anna will be 3 months old in a week?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Time for help

I don't know why I'm making this post. I guess to acknowledge out loud and maybe by making it "real", I'll actually get some help.

I am not okay, I'm not doing okay. The PPD/PPA is taking over my life. I have constant anxiety about everything. Every horrific news article becomes the sight of my children. I'm constantly anxious about things and I'm very obsessive over things that need to get done, cleaned up, fixed immediately. I'm also just never happy. DH took Anna last night so I could sleep since with colic and my going back to work I maybe get 2-3 hours a night. This morning everyone is asleep, I was rested, I'm having my coffee and I'm just sad, very very sad. I shouldn't be.

Katie doesn't like her sister and has been quite the threenager. Anna has colic, but otherwise is just sweet and happy. I have an involved and helpful DH. I'm just snappy all the time at everyone and there's lots of anger, where there shouldn't be. I feel connected to the kids, but I don't enjoy them? It's hard to explain. I feel scared to take the girls by myself anywhere, even though I've done it recently.

I hate myself and I feel like a constant failure. I feel like I can't do right by either girl. I don't regret Anna, I love her with all my heart. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have her. However, I feel like I'm really struggling to parent more than one child. Then there's guilt over my angels, because if I'm having this hard a time with adding Anna, how would I have ever managed the twins? Then I feel like I deserved to lose them because I'm obviously not a fit parent. Just on and on these thoughts and feelings go. I break down crying all the time.

I don't want to fight every day. I want to enjoy my family. Yes, this time is challenging, but I don't think I should be struggling as much as I am. I'm ashamed. How long have I wanted this? How much did it take for me to bring another baby home? I feel like it's all my fault, like I'm ungrateful for my family. I just feel so low right now and I can hardly pick up my head.

I'm having panic attacks. I've been trying yoga to see if it helps. It was helping, then while I was at it last Monday (second time), things fell apart at home with DH and now I'm scared to leave the house, although he tells me to go and that it's okay. Basically Katie's behavior was out of control while I was out, escalating to the dangerous while he was holding and feeding Anna. He said for me to go again on Monday and it would be okay at home. I said okay, but I'm really hesitant. I know I should call my counselor too and I want to, maybe this will make me actually do it rather than acknowledge I need to and then not. That would take me away from home two evenings a week for about two hours, when you add in commuting time.

I feel like I can't leave, like I need to be here with them all the time. I drive as fast I can home from work, I don't let DH take Anna at night unless I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just not doing okay. I deactivated my Facebook last Monday after I got back from yoga and had a panic attack. I also got into a fight with DH over the twins ashes and told him I was moving out with the kids. Just all kinds of irrational thinking.

I don't do well with SSRIs so I won't be getting those. I did do well with Klonopin to help my anxiety, but I'm still BFing some. Anna will no longer nurse, but I pump and make enough for two bottles a day. I've decided I'll stop when she's 3 months because it's taking a lot more work for me to feed her than the benefit is. I might consider meds after that. I dunno. I don't know anything anymore.

I hate that I let everyone down. I hate that I'm such a failure. I hate that I don't deserve my kids. That I'm not the mom they deserve. I hate that I'm not better.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Two Months

How is this girl of mine already two months old? I can hardly believe it. She has outgrown newborn sizes completely and now is in a size 1 diaper and 0-3 month clothes. I can even put some 3 month stuff on her, although it's baggy.

She is every bit as sweet as she looks. However, I do think she has some colic in the evenings. She has her witching hour around 7-8 and she doesn't calm down until sometime 10:30-midnight. She does seem to prefer me over other people. For example, DH was tying to let me sleep last night so he took over Anna. At 2:00 am I heard her crying and he said she hadn't slept at all since 9:00. I took her and the minute her head was at my shoulder she passed out until 6:00 when hunger woke her.

She weighs 10 lbs 8.5 oz and is 20" tall. She has good eye contact, smiles, and tracks things, especially if she sees me walking around a room. She moves around a lot and can do this army crawl thing. She also has wonderful head control and in general a strong core. This girl does not want to be left behind in any way, shape, or form.

I started using some essential oils for the PPD. I put a roller of lavender, bergamot, ylang ylang, and roman chamomile. It seems to be helping. Right now I'm getting any outside assistance because I'm embarrassed by it and just ashamed. It's hard to explain how I feel lately, just very unworthy and like I can't do anything right and I'm a screw up in every area of my life. The oils have helped me with patience, emotional stability, and being able to enjoy the kiddos more. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Chase David - 2 year

When I think of Chase, I think of the day I truly lost hope. When I held Emma, I still had him in me and somehow I really thought he was going to make it. It didn't lessen the pain of losing Emma by any means, but it kept me going because I still needed to be strong for him. With each hour I remained pregnant I allowed myself to get more and more hopeful that he would make it.

I thought his name alone would save him, after all, he's the child I dreamed of since I was young, the Chase I imagined back in high school. How could it even be possible I would lose him? He'd already beaten the odds by hanging on after I delivered her. The blog name is Chaseing Dreams, because I always imagined I'd have my Chase.

The hope all died with him 26 hours later when my water broke and he was born. While Emma's labor took hours, I was already dilated at this point and he was so little, he was born within a minute of my water breaking.

I remember just letting go emotionally at this point. No more pregnancy, no babies, nothing to hang onto. I had Katie at home, but at that moment I was in a hospital, having lost two children, and fighting for my own life. A life I no longer even wanted and wouldn't again for almost a year.

I wish they hadn't been born so far apart so that I could've held them together, at least just once. Held them together, maybe wrapped them up in swaddles. Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter. By the time they came to my arms, they were only bodies, they were gone.

It's easier to picture them this year having a newborn in the house. Especially since Emma and Katie looked so similar and now Anna and Chase. I can almost see the pictures of the newborn twins in my home. I don't allow myself to go there a lot and it's pointless, it's more just lately and wondering. A good friend of mine has twins too and even though some moments are hard, she has her life and I have mine. I try not to let myself be bitter that hers made it and mine didn't. We all have our path and no one knows why most things happen or don't happen.

Anyways, it's been a day, I guess I should be glad I didn't fall down the stairs this year, but it's not been a good one. Hoping it can turn around for the evening. One thing about this year is I'm very busy between Katie and Anna and I'm mostly just numb, mostly what could've been.

Thank you to everyone who's reading, messaging, commenting, and supporting. I especially appreciate the sweet comments regarding the PPD. I haven't sought any help because I'm honestly just ashamed of it right now.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Emma Lee - 2 years

Here it is, two years later. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my sweet, beautiful girl. In some ways it feels like a dream that never happened. I only had hours out of one day to hold her in my arms, look at her, talk to her, kiss her, sing to her. In some ways, it was yesterday. I remember it so vividly. Every moment of my sitting in my bed, putting together favors for the gender reveal, to timing the contractions and seeing I had 14 in one hour, to reaching for the thermometer and noticing that I had a fever, even on Tylenol. Calling my mom to watch Katie so I could get checked out, so that I could have peace of mind at the reveal......

So many thoughts and emotions, many of them conflicting each other. I remember when I was new to the loss, only hours into it, the rush of others to come support me. The rush of people who were there to say "me too", I'm this far out from the loss of my kid/kids. Being added to a multiples loss group. Within hours I went from a mom of multiples group to a loss mom of multiples group. What I hate to admit out loud, but it was true? I didn't want those people. I didn't want anyone telling me how they'd made it x long without their kids. I didn't want to hear it because I dind't want to live it. I didn't want to be them. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with the kind of pain you get when your kids die. I didn't want it, didn't know how to make it.

I'm one of those people. I welcome people to the multiples loss group, in one of my mom groups, someone lost their child at 18 weeks and here I am rushing to support her, to tell her I'm here. To tell her how I've done it, continue doing it. She asks how do you move on from this? You don't. I was told that too and it's true, you don't. It's never okay that your kids are gone, it's never okay that this happened. However, it did happen and somehow you pick up a broken heart, you pick up the pieces and you keep walking. Some days you feel more whole than others. But you never forget, you never stop thinking about them, stop wondering about them. Those people helped me so much, actually, I had and continue to have so much support. I still don't know why. I don't know why people care about me, about them. I'm lucky and grateful for it.

I wish I had more pictures. I wish I'd spent more time holding and looking at her. I wish I'd read to her. I didn't think to do that, surely someone would've gotten me a children's book. I did sing to her, I talked to her, I held her, I looked at her. I still remember it vividly. I wish she were in my home today, not in an urn, but driving me insane with her brothers and sisters. I wonder what life would've been like had I brought her home.

Emma Lee, you were perfect. Not a thing wrong with you. I wish life had turned out differently for us both. I would've done anything for you, anything. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I miss you, how a piece of me is with you always. You will always belong to me, you'll always be my second born daughter. The mini Kate, as you looked to me when I held you.

I love you Emma.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Post Partum Depression

I went back and forth on if I had this when I first brought Anna home, but decided I didn't. I figured it's a lot of adjustment to go from raising one to two, plus there's been a lot of extra crap going on, lack of sleep, etc. After thinking more about it Friday and Saturday, I think I do have it and my emotions have escalated in the past week.

I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, everything. I have no energy or motivation for anything. Even when Anna has good nights, as in, wakes up, eats, and goes back to sleep, so I get a decent amount of sleep, even if it is broken up, I have no energy at all. It's as if I never slept. When DH takes a night shift, then I still have no energy. I pump as much as I can, but I lack the energy to do that and then the fact that I only provide enough milk for 2.5 bottles a day makes me even more upset about it. I take so much stuff to try and produce milk. Some days it just seems like why? Then I look at her and I know.

I feel so undeserving of my kids. All of them. I feel like I deserve the infertility I had because I'm such a shitty mom. I feel like I can hardly keep it together and take care of my home, how the hell was I going to manage with twins? I feel like they were taken from me because I would've been a horrible mom to them and I didn't deserve them, so now they are gone. I don't feel I deserve Katie and Anna either.

I want to cry all the time, just cry and cry and cry and sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up (not suicidal). I just don't want to deal with life anymore. I feel bonded to my girls, I love them with all my heart, but I hate my life. I'm snappy, I swing around all kinds of moods. I feel like I'm horrible to Katie and she's just a typical 3 year old and I feel like I'm nonstop getting onto her, then I break down crying in front of her. What kind of mom am I? I snap at DH, I've lost it with my mom a few times. I feel like I can't keep myself together. I am so awful. I took this contract job because I wasn't getting as much money as I thought with my leave and it's been a disaster. I'm driving hours and miles all over town. I quit and this upcoming week will be my last, I only have to drive Monday and Tuesday. I'm dreading it so much. I went ahead and applied for summer school and I should know in a day or two if I got that job. I'm assuming I will, if anything, due to lack of applicants.

At this moment, everyone is asleep but me. I'm drinking coffee. Usually I'd be happy and relaxed, but I just feel blank and anxious, so anxious. I hate my life. I don't know how it's ever going to be okay. The anniversaries of Emma and Chase are coming up this week and I can't do anything for them because it all seems pointless. They are gone, they are not here, they will never be here. I don't deserve them, don't deserve any of them. I have these beautiful and perfect girls. They are so wonderful. Katie is full of life and adventure and has an opinion on everything. She's obsessed with being "doctor" and Doc McStuffins and there's millions of checkups a day. She knows the name of every medical tool, it's amazing. Her language and comprehension have grown and she has some complex thoughts. Anna is just a laid back sweetheart. She's chill, but refuses to be in the light of her sister, she shines on her own. When she wants to get noticed, she will voice herself. She's all about the milestones, she tracks, she does this army crawl thing and moves around, and she has a very strong core and is good neck/head support. She's always lifting her head straight up and I've started putting her in the seater for a little bit here and there and she loves it.  My husband is supportive, involved, he helps me where he can. My mom comes over and helps where she can too.

All of this good and I'm broken and sad and just crying. Right now I just want to go back to bed and cry and sleep. My weight is terrible, my diet is terrible. I feel so guilty for all of this. I wanted this so bad and what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a piece of shit? No matter what I'm this worthless, awful piece of shit, that somehow got an amazing family I don't deserve and I'm letting them all down. I don't understand why I'm kept on this Earth when I bring nothing good to it (not suicidal).

Anyways, that's part of why it's been hard to blog. I come here to write and then I sit and stare and then just say nevermind. I'm not as active on my communities either. I'm sure they all think I got my babies and now I've deserted them, even though I try not to. I go on and read and then I can't respond. I hate being such a piece of shit, I really do. People deserve better from me.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Friday, May 12, 2017

May Madness

Almost halfway through my most hated month-May. This is my second May since losing the twins and it's been hard. Having Anna has made me think about them a lot. Lets begin with the fact that Anna looks so much like Chase that I find myself wondering how his personality would be in my head. Having her here, and be real, makes me imagine them all the more. I can picture them and I think about all the differences between Kate and Anna and wonder how would they be? Where would they fit into the spectrum?

I also wonder things I'm not proud of. It's been hard to be up every few hours at night with Anna and then in the day there's Katie. I'm trying to be a good mom, trying to give her all the love and attention, but I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm just so much going on all at once and she's so go, go, go that it's hard to be the best mom to her right now. There's a lot more TV and iPad time that I'm proud to admit. I'm shorter with her than I like to admit. I give candy easily as treats or rewards for compliance. I do things with her, but not as much as I should.

When Kate was a baby when she was sleeping I could catch up around the house, drink coffee, just zone out for a bit. I didn't have to keep everything going so much, steady meals, house picked up, never ending piles of laundry, etc. Also with Katie, I could focus solely on her. Now I find myself having a hard time focusing on Anna if Katie is awake and home because she's constantly wanting or needing something, so I'm missing out on just holding her while she sleeps.

I keep thinking.. how would I have ever managed twins? This is so hard I can't even picture how I'd do it. Oh, I know I'd figure it out. This has already gotten easier. I found the right swaddle for Anna at night and my precious girl wakes up to eat, change, and then sleep. It's just every 2-3 hours and then lasting about an hour. I go through two rounds and then I have to stay up because I need to get the house ready for my mom to come over, get Katie's pre-school stuff ready, catch up on chores. I'm also doing a contract job because I really need the money. I'm getting less pay than I expected, so there's that now too I'm trying to fit in. I also hate that I have to work. I know I'm lucky to have found a job and much of it is from home, but I do have to drive all over the city and I just want to be home with my girls.

I feel so guilty about these thoughts though. Almost like I'm saying good they aren't here because I don't know how I'd handle it? It's not what I mean at all though. I wish they were here, I wish they'd made it, I wish I had all of them. I'm just so everywhere right now. I feel very lost.

I was thinking about what to do for their two year anniversary and I just don't want to do anything. I just feel sad and empty that they're gone. I miss them. I wonder and think about them.

However, the girls I get to raise, even in the tough moments, light up my life. Here's a few goodies of Anna I recently got.

Stroller ride on a pretty day. Isn't she gorgeous? Her outfit is 0-3 months. Still some room in there.

She lights up my face with her precious smile. She's such a calm and happy baby. She LOVES water and bath time. Currently she gets a nightly bath with me as part of night night routine. We both love it. I did this with Katie too and it's just so much fun bonding. We do it after Katie goes to bed so there's no jealousy.

Big sister, Kate, has been so sweet. Poor girl is getting over a cold, but she's been trying to interact with Anna more and I'm loving seeing them together. Hoping to get some more pics over Mother's Day Weekend.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Anna's Nursery

It's finally finished and ready to show off! I had a lot of help with this nursery and most if it was customized for her. It has the most peaceful feel in there and I just love it!!!