Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Struggling - Ivy

I was doing better earlier in the day, but as the day went on yesterday I just got more and more sad as I focused on all the different parts of my pregnancy with Ivy.  I was not a good mom to him.  A year ago today I was helping Katie paint a rainbow for DH's bday to tell him I was expecting.  I was only 11 dpiui, had just noticed the line get darker the day before and was anxious and unsure, but it was his bday and I wanted to make it special.

Just thinking about Ivy and struggling with the kind of mom I was.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Ivy's gift

A year go today I got my BFP with Ivy.  I remember the world of mixed feelings. I was in such a bad place and finding out I was pregnant with him didn't make any of it easier.  I still feel a lot of guilt when I remember how I spent the few precious weeks pregnant with him.

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day I told him about Ivy.  I remember helping Katie paint a rainbow and had a quote and his EDD 10/5/16.

Nature reminds me of him, greens, leaves, trees, etc.  When I see them, they make me think of Ivy. Growth and new makes me think of him too.  He was the reason I started turning around and healing.  I didn't realize how badly I was doing until my heart was in so much pain, I had a hard time letting him in or having any room to love him.  I was just so incredibly broken.  Those of you who have been with me since the twins remember that.

I feel like a bad mom to him and just so much guilt, he got the worst of me.  Today I was thinking about him from the moment I woke up.  Wondering what it would've been like if he'd stayed, wondering how he'd be with Katie.  He was my last chance to raise a son.  I love my girls and I'm not at all disappointed in Anna being a girl, but raising a boy would've been different. I wonder what I would've named him.

This morning I was coming to work and I'd even mentioned him to a few of my friends.  Near the entrance of the building was a leaf, it's shaped like a heart. There are no trees near the entrance of the building.  There's some behind it and on the way other side of the parking lot.  We had high winds yesterday, but no other leaves were in the front, just that one, near the entrance, shaped like a heart.

I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe things happen for a reason, whether I agree or understand.  I believe this leaf is from Ivy.  It's keep me company at work today and I'll put it with his things when I get home. My guilt feels better at the moment, he knows I love him.  He's with me.  I didn't lose him, I just don't have him the way I hoped or wanted.  Because of him, I'll know get Anna.  Because of him I can be a better mom to Kate and Anna.

I have amazing kids and I'm a lucky mom. Thank you Ivy!  I love and miss you so much.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

3rd Trimester

Yesterday we made it to 28 weeks!!  I can't believe I'm in the third tri and suddenly things seem very real and very fast.  I'm so unprepared, but I know I'll get there.

Last week I had my GD test and I nearly passed out after.  I was driving and feeling so faint and dizzy.  I was even allowed to eat before it and I had 3 hard boiled eggs, an hour later the drink, an after that the blood draw.  I found out my result earlier this week-36!!

In general I've been feeling very depressed, lethargic, and honestly I was starting to get scared for how I was.  I wasn't bonding with Anna and I was getting scared about her coming. Last weekend I broke down to my husband about how bad I felt, how low my energy was, how I had no idea how on Earth I was going to take care of a newborn and Katie. I just couldn't do it.

When I talked to my MFM earlier this week she said I've probably been walking around with blood sugar in my 40s for a few weeks now.  This explains a lot of how I'm feeling.  In fact, she said I need to get off the Metformin.  I take it for reactive hypoglycemia, but I'm remembering now that even with Katie I had to reduce the amt in the second tri, and get off of it by the third for the same reasons.

Within 24 hours of being off of it I had more energy, better mood, I felt more "even".  Even my appetite was more steady and I was craving more normal foods and less sweets.  I'm not a big sweets eater and I'd begun to want that stuff all the time.  It all makes sense now.  It's now been quite a few days off the Met and my entire mood, energy, and outlook has changed.  I'm looking forward to meeting Anna, I feel more connected to her, less weepy, less depressed. My BH are so much more improved.  I was needing Procardia almost daily and now I haven't used it in days.

This is a bit of a hard month in general. Two years ago Emma and Chase were conceived this month and a year ago Ivy was.  Now I'm in my third tri with a baby I'm feeling confident I'll get to meet. It's taken a lot to bring me here, to bring me to Anna, and I can't wait to meet her in April and see her sweet face and give her kisses.

Everything is looking good right now.  I'm done with cervical checks because nothing more can be done with that.  They can still do some things if I go into PTL, but right now that isn't too much of a concern.  I'll be having growth checks with the MFM every 3 weeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

27 weeks

Well, not quite, that's really tomorrow, but same difference, am I right?

So, this past week....  Emotionally I've had a VERY hard time.  I'm having issues with connecting with Anna and honestly just feeling like a complete piece of shit on many different angles.  I could go on and on, but the short version is, I feel like a terrible mom in many different ways.

So, in addition to emotional stuff. the night of New Year's Eve, I had a bit of brown spotting.  It made me nervous, and I decided to watch and see.  I had more spotting New Year's Day, and then a bit more the next morning.  It was all very mild.  I thought my doctors offices would be open on Jan. 2nd, but it was a holiday for everyone, except for me.  I did call the on-call OB who told me to go home on bedrest and call the next day.

On Tuesday I called my MFMs office and she called me back and since I hadn't spotted for over 24 hours at that point, she said she'd message my OB to add an u/s to my appt today and go from there.  I had my u/s today and Anna looked great.  She's now 2 lbs, 4 oz, so she's gained 7 oz in 9 days!!  No wonder I'm eating all the time. Fluid, placenta, everything looked good.  At this time there's no way to know what is going on.

I also had my GD test today, and man, I hate that test.  Hopefully I passed.  I should know in a few days.  My OB thinks the spotting might be uterine growth, but he doesn't know.  They did take blood work for infection, just to make sure.

Steroid shots came up as well, because of my history.  He's going to discuss it further with the MFM and she'll probably talk to me about it on Tuesday, but they are considering it as a precaution.  Right now there's no signs of pre-term labor.

Also when I had the spotting, DH asked me about going to L&D to get checked out.  I couldn't go.  I mean I just froze in fear and panic at the thought of going there.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to give birth, even at term, because the thought of going there was not something I could handle.  I've brought this up to my therapist and I forgot to bring it up to my OB today since I was freaking out about the spotting, but I will when I see him in two weeks and I'll tell the MFM on Tuesday.

So, here I am, almost to the third tri, just one week left.  Things, I think, are okay.  We'll see.  I hope emotionally I can get myself together.