Monday, January 23, 2017

Ivy's gift

A year go today I got my BFP with Ivy.  I remember the world of mixed feelings. I was in such a bad place and finding out I was pregnant with him didn't make any of it easier.  I still feel a lot of guilt when I remember how I spent the few precious weeks pregnant with him.

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day I told him about Ivy.  I remember helping Katie paint a rainbow and had a quote and his EDD 10/5/16.

Nature reminds me of him, greens, leaves, trees, etc.  When I see them, they make me think of Ivy. Growth and new makes me think of him too.  He was the reason I started turning around and healing.  I didn't realize how badly I was doing until my heart was in so much pain, I had a hard time letting him in or having any room to love him.  I was just so incredibly broken.  Those of you who have been with me since the twins remember that.

I feel like a bad mom to him and just so much guilt, he got the worst of me.  Today I was thinking about him from the moment I woke up.  Wondering what it would've been like if he'd stayed, wondering how he'd be with Katie.  He was my last chance to raise a son.  I love my girls and I'm not at all disappointed in Anna being a girl, but raising a boy would've been different. I wonder what I would've named him.

This morning I was coming to work and I'd even mentioned him to a few of my friends.  Near the entrance of the building was a leaf, it's shaped like a heart. There are no trees near the entrance of the building.  There's some behind it and on the way other side of the parking lot.  We had high winds yesterday, but no other leaves were in the front, just that one, near the entrance, shaped like a heart.

I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe things happen for a reason, whether I agree or understand.  I believe this leaf is from Ivy.  It's keep me company at work today and I'll put it with his things when I get home. My guilt feels better at the moment, he knows I love him.  He's with me.  I didn't lose him, I just don't have him the way I hoped or wanted.  Because of him, I'll know get Anna.  Because of him I can be a better mom to Kate and Anna.

I have amazing kids and I'm a lucky mom. Thank you Ivy!  I love and miss you so much.

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