Tuesday, February 14, 2017


I know it's been a little while and I'm sorry.  I've honestly just been dealing with so much I've been trying to process on my own before putting it down on paper.  Mostly in the past week.

A week ago today, a very good friend of mine, who's pregnant with b/g twins gave birth.  She was 32 weeks, so definitely NICU babies, but will absolutely make it and come home.  She'd had steroid injections already too. Her due date and mine are a week apart and she conceived via Clomid.  She's been there for me since losing Emma and Chase.

I've been very, very happy for her, but I'm still going through my own grief process and I've had some hard moments.  The birth of her babies was triggering for me.  Some of it had to do with reliving the birth of Emma and Chase and some of it had to do with the "what if" mine had made it.  Honestly, I've done a very good job of staying in the moment and accepting life is what it is and finding ways to celebrate them and move forward with life.  With that said, grief is a process, it wasn't that long ago, and things still happen that knock me back and that was one.

She is a good friend and I'm here for her.  I visited her in the hospital and even saw her babies in the NICU.  I'm making her lactation cookies to help with her milk and I brought her Fennel essential oil as well to help.  I try very hard to not let grief get in the way of my joy for others and honestly being part of the infertility world, means lots and lots of people I care about have multiples and I'm happy for them.  We all have our story and it's okay that it ends up differently.

In any event, I've been struggling with my grief.  One night last week it was so bad that I just broke down crying and begged to make it to the next moment, which of course, I did and it's been better since then.

I live in two worlds sometimes and it seems hard to balance them.  Then on Sunday was the one year anniversary of when I lost Ivy.  I found out on 2/17, but per the ultrasound, he stopped developing on 2/12.  That was a hard day for me with everything.

There's also this pregnancy.  The good-I'm 32 weeks!!  Can you believe it?  I really can't either.  So, emotionally, I'm everywhere.  I have a kind of denial where I know in my head I'm going to have a baby, but I feel like it's not real.  Like I'm making it up or something.  I get weird when Anna's name is mentioned.  I'm having a hard time working on the nursery.  It's weird and I actually went through this with Katie as well.  All the way to bringing a baby home and thinking I was playing house and pretending I had a baby. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I did come up with these colors.  I'm unsure which blue yet, I need to get samples of them on the wall and see.  The yellow is for sure and I want yellow butterflies on the wall.  The yellow will be an accent wall.

My baby shower is on Saturday and I can't believe that either.  I really wanted a butterfly dress, but that's actually kind of hard to find.  I have a top with a butterfly baby on the bump.  I wanted yellow, but it was either pink or blue, so I went with pink.  I hope Emma doesn't mind.  I don't think she will, I think that kind of thing only matters to me.

The bad-Okay, it's not bad, but not fun, but the BH are just really awful right now.  I'm talking I tracked them on Thurs before I saw my OB on Friday for 12 hours and I had 62 of them!!!  They range about 30-45 seconds each and I get them mostly in the morning and night and they slow down some during the day, but honestly I just have them all them all the time.  Slowing down is going from 14 in an hour to 6 in an hour.  The procardia isn't helping much anymore and my OB said it's less effective the further along I get.  However, I'm not effaced or dilated, so the progesterone is really working for me.  YAY! Everything else is looking good too.  I'm just very uncomfortable since I'm this far along, the BH, and a very active Anna.  She weighed 4 lbs 4 oz at my appt on Friday, so she's growing quite nicely.

Then I'm having a lot of guilt issues related to Katie. She's such an amazing little girl and I've been emotional lately and just feeling like the worst mom ever that I pretty much missed the whole second year of her life between being pregnant, losing the babies, etc. I know she'll never know and physically I was there, but I was a shell and she deserves far better.  She's so wonderful and lights up my life. 

So, it's just been a lot all at once and most of it in the past week.  I see my therapist tomorrow so I'll talk to her as well.  I'm also having more anxiety about delivering at the hospital since my friend had hers.  She delivered at the hospital I had Katie at, not the one I had the twins at (same one as this time as well), so it was easier to walk through those doors.