Friday, April 14, 2017

Chaseing Dreams (*warning-loss baby photo included*)

There's something I noticed almost the minute I set eyes on Anna. She looks almost identical to my oldest son, Chase. When I started this blog, I named it Chaseing Dreams because for years I'd dreamed of a son named Chase who had dark hair and blue eyes with curly hair. I remember visualizing him as early as high school.

For some reason it never occurred to me I'd have a girl. Like, never. Then when DH and I got married I was even more certain of this because there hasn't been a girl born in his family since the 1700s. We'd joke that his line had "no girl sperm" and that's why.

Of course, I was shocked to learn my oldest was a girl. It was quite the news in DHs family that someone was pregnant with a girl and now I've conceived 3 girls total and I get to raise two.

The name Chase was/is very special to me and yes, it's the name of a cat I had. Chase senior passed away September 26, 2011 at 17 years of age. This was more than just a cat to me, he was with me for a large part of my life where I struggled, grew up in a less than stellar home environment, and we were very close. I'd hold him and talk to him at night, cry while he purred, it's just hard to explain unless you've had that special connection to a pet and "get it". It was never an argument of if I'd named my son Chase, DH always knew.

Losing both twins was horrible, holding Chase in my arms, the Chase David, I'd dreamed about made my heart hurt in a million different ways. I know a childhood dream doesn't mean reality, I just couldn't believe this had really happened. After Emma was born and I was still briefly pregnant with him, I thought he'd make it. I really did. He'd beaten a 98% chance of being born with his sister. I became even more confident as I passed 24 hours (he was born at 26 hours).

Over the almost two years since the twins have been gone, I've pretty much accepted the sad truth, my sweet, precious kids, Emma and Chase, are gone. Most of you have followed me since around that time and know the journey my grief has taken.

In order to make this the first pic people see when they go to my blog (because many can't handle the sight of a sleeping baby) and to honor and show him off, this is the original Chase.  My sweet baby.

I was shocked at the emotion I felt when I first layed eyes on Anna. Like truly I'd been waiting my whole life to meet her and also the shock of realizing a few hours later how much she looked like Chase. I didn't even think about it or looked for it or anything, I was just looking at her and I saw my sweet son within her. 

Emma and Katie look just as alike to each other as these two do. So in a way it's comforting to see how my kids would've looked as they've gotten older, but at the same time it hurts my heart to think about them and wonder about their personalities and picture my 5 kids growing up together.

It's all a journey and Anna isn't Chase and not one kid replaces another. Not one kid is more important or special than another, but they are all different, all wonderful, and all loved. I'm so glad and honored that I get to raise Anna and see the amazing lady I know she is. I'm also grateful for my Katie who's struggling with adjusting a bit, but honestly, for a 3 year old, she's doing awesome. I'll be taking more pics this weekend since its a holiday. I'm also going to post a kind of day to day post about current triumphs and struggles. 

One more pic of my sweet Anna because I can't get enough of this gem.


  1. Wow! What a redeeming gift God gave you. She really really looks like him!!!

  2. Oh my goodness, yes. She looks so much like him. <3 And Anna is just a doll!

  3. I love learning your backstory regarding Chase. Anna really does look like him.