When I think of Chase, I think of the day I truly lost hope. When I held Emma, I still had him in me and somehow I really thought he was going to make it. It didn't lessen the pain of losing Emma by any means, but it kept me going because I still needed to be strong for him. With each hour I remained pregnant I allowed myself to get more and more hopeful that he would make it.
I thought his name alone would save him, after all, he's the child I dreamed of since I was young, the Chase I imagined back in high school. How could it even be possible I would lose him? He'd already beaten the odds by hanging on after I delivered her. The blog name is Chaseing Dreams, because I always imagined I'd have my Chase.
The hope all died with him 26 hours later when my water broke and he was born. While Emma's labor took hours, I was already dilated at this point and he was so little, he was born within a minute of my water breaking.
I remember just letting go emotionally at this point. No more pregnancy, no babies, nothing to hang onto. I had Katie at home, but at that moment I was in a hospital, having lost two children, and fighting for my own life. A life I no longer even wanted and wouldn't again for almost a year.
I wish they hadn't been born so far apart so that I could've held them together, at least just once. Held them together, maybe wrapped them up in swaddles. Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter. By the time they came to my arms, they were only bodies, they were gone.
It's easier to picture them this year having a newborn in the house. Especially since Emma and Katie looked so similar and now Anna and Chase. I can almost see the pictures of the newborn twins in my home. I don't allow myself to go there a lot and it's pointless, it's more just lately and wondering. A good friend of mine has twins too and even though some moments are hard, she has her life and I have mine. I try not to let myself be bitter that hers made it and mine didn't. We all have our path and no one knows why most things happen or don't happen.
Anyways, it's been a day, I guess I should be glad I didn't fall down the stairs this year, but it's not been a good one. Hoping it can turn around for the evening. One thing about this year is I'm very busy between Katie and Anna and I'm mostly just numb, mostly what could've been.
Thank you to everyone who's reading, messaging, commenting, and supporting. I especially appreciate the sweet comments regarding the PPD. I haven't sought any help because I'm honestly just ashamed of it right now.