Thursday, May 25, 2017

Emma Lee - 2 years

Here it is, two years later. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to my sweet, beautiful girl. In some ways it feels like a dream that never happened. I only had hours out of one day to hold her in my arms, look at her, talk to her, kiss her, sing to her. In some ways, it was yesterday. I remember it so vividly. Every moment of my sitting in my bed, putting together favors for the gender reveal, to timing the contractions and seeing I had 14 in one hour, to reaching for the thermometer and noticing that I had a fever, even on Tylenol. Calling my mom to watch Katie so I could get checked out, so that I could have peace of mind at the reveal......

So many thoughts and emotions, many of them conflicting each other. I remember when I was new to the loss, only hours into it, the rush of others to come support me. The rush of people who were there to say "me too", I'm this far out from the loss of my kid/kids. Being added to a multiples loss group. Within hours I went from a mom of multiples group to a loss mom of multiples group. What I hate to admit out loud, but it was true? I didn't want those people. I didn't want anyone telling me how they'd made it x long without their kids. I didn't want to hear it because I dind't want to live it. I didn't want to be them. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with the kind of pain you get when your kids die. I didn't want it, didn't know how to make it.

I'm one of those people. I welcome people to the multiples loss group, in one of my mom groups, someone lost their child at 18 weeks and here I am rushing to support her, to tell her I'm here. To tell her how I've done it, continue doing it. She asks how do you move on from this? You don't. I was told that too and it's true, you don't. It's never okay that your kids are gone, it's never okay that this happened. However, it did happen and somehow you pick up a broken heart, you pick up the pieces and you keep walking. Some days you feel more whole than others. But you never forget, you never stop thinking about them, stop wondering about them. Those people helped me so much, actually, I had and continue to have so much support. I still don't know why. I don't know why people care about me, about them. I'm lucky and grateful for it.

I wish I had more pictures. I wish I'd spent more time holding and looking at her. I wish I'd read to her. I didn't think to do that, surely someone would've gotten me a children's book. I did sing to her, I talked to her, I held her, I looked at her. I still remember it vividly. I wish she were in my home today, not in an urn, but driving me insane with her brothers and sisters. I wonder what life would've been like had I brought her home.

Emma Lee, you were perfect. Not a thing wrong with you. I wish life had turned out differently for us both. I would've done anything for you, anything. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I miss you, how a piece of me is with you always. You will always belong to me, you'll always be my second born daughter. The mini Kate, as you looked to me when I held you.

I love you Emma.

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