Friday, May 12, 2017

May Madness

Almost halfway through my most hated month-May. This is my second May since losing the twins and it's been hard. Having Anna has made me think about them a lot. Lets begin with the fact that Anna looks so much like Chase that I find myself wondering how his personality would be in my head. Having her here, and be real, makes me imagine them all the more. I can picture them and I think about all the differences between Kate and Anna and wonder how would they be? Where would they fit into the spectrum?

I also wonder things I'm not proud of. It's been hard to be up every few hours at night with Anna and then in the day there's Katie. I'm trying to be a good mom, trying to give her all the love and attention, but I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm just so much going on all at once and she's so go, go, go that it's hard to be the best mom to her right now. There's a lot more TV and iPad time that I'm proud to admit. I'm shorter with her than I like to admit. I give candy easily as treats or rewards for compliance. I do things with her, but not as much as I should.

When Kate was a baby when she was sleeping I could catch up around the house, drink coffee, just zone out for a bit. I didn't have to keep everything going so much, steady meals, house picked up, never ending piles of laundry, etc. Also with Katie, I could focus solely on her. Now I find myself having a hard time focusing on Anna if Katie is awake and home because she's constantly wanting or needing something, so I'm missing out on just holding her while she sleeps.

I keep thinking.. how would I have ever managed twins? This is so hard I can't even picture how I'd do it. Oh, I know I'd figure it out. This has already gotten easier. I found the right swaddle for Anna at night and my precious girl wakes up to eat, change, and then sleep. It's just every 2-3 hours and then lasting about an hour. I go through two rounds and then I have to stay up because I need to get the house ready for my mom to come over, get Katie's pre-school stuff ready, catch up on chores. I'm also doing a contract job because I really need the money. I'm getting less pay than I expected, so there's that now too I'm trying to fit in. I also hate that I have to work. I know I'm lucky to have found a job and much of it is from home, but I do have to drive all over the city and I just want to be home with my girls.

I feel so guilty about these thoughts though. Almost like I'm saying good they aren't here because I don't know how I'd handle it? It's not what I mean at all though. I wish they were here, I wish they'd made it, I wish I had all of them. I'm just so everywhere right now. I feel very lost.

I was thinking about what to do for their two year anniversary and I just don't want to do anything. I just feel sad and empty that they're gone. I miss them. I wonder and think about them.

However, the girls I get to raise, even in the tough moments, light up my life. Here's a few goodies of Anna I recently got.

Stroller ride on a pretty day. Isn't she gorgeous? Her outfit is 0-3 months. Still some room in there.

She lights up my face with her precious smile. She's such a calm and happy baby. She LOVES water and bath time. Currently she gets a nightly bath with me as part of night night routine. We both love it. I did this with Katie too and it's just so much fun bonding. We do it after Katie goes to bed so there's no jealousy.

Big sister, Kate, has been so sweet. Poor girl is getting over a cold, but she's been trying to interact with Anna more and I'm loving seeing them together. Hoping to get some more pics over Mother's Day Weekend.

1 comment:

  1. I love this quote by Sharon Jaynes: Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled - they are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles. THIS IS YOU! You keep doing your best and show such great love to your children. You are a wonderful mother! Happy Mother's Day to you!