Sunday, May 21, 2017

Post Partum Depression

I went back and forth on if I had this when I first brought Anna home, but decided I didn't. I figured it's a lot of adjustment to go from raising one to two, plus there's been a lot of extra crap going on, lack of sleep, etc. After thinking more about it Friday and Saturday, I think I do have it and my emotions have escalated in the past week.

I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, everything. I have no energy or motivation for anything. Even when Anna has good nights, as in, wakes up, eats, and goes back to sleep, so I get a decent amount of sleep, even if it is broken up, I have no energy at all. It's as if I never slept. When DH takes a night shift, then I still have no energy. I pump as much as I can, but I lack the energy to do that and then the fact that I only provide enough milk for 2.5 bottles a day makes me even more upset about it. I take so much stuff to try and produce milk. Some days it just seems like why? Then I look at her and I know.

I feel so undeserving of my kids. All of them. I feel like I deserve the infertility I had because I'm such a shitty mom. I feel like I can hardly keep it together and take care of my home, how the hell was I going to manage with twins? I feel like they were taken from me because I would've been a horrible mom to them and I didn't deserve them, so now they are gone. I don't feel I deserve Katie and Anna either.

I want to cry all the time, just cry and cry and cry and sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up (not suicidal). I just don't want to deal with life anymore. I feel bonded to my girls, I love them with all my heart, but I hate my life. I'm snappy, I swing around all kinds of moods. I feel like I'm horrible to Katie and she's just a typical 3 year old and I feel like I'm nonstop getting onto her, then I break down crying in front of her. What kind of mom am I? I snap at DH, I've lost it with my mom a few times. I feel like I can't keep myself together. I am so awful. I took this contract job because I wasn't getting as much money as I thought with my leave and it's been a disaster. I'm driving hours and miles all over town. I quit and this upcoming week will be my last, I only have to drive Monday and Tuesday. I'm dreading it so much. I went ahead and applied for summer school and I should know in a day or two if I got that job. I'm assuming I will, if anything, due to lack of applicants.

At this moment, everyone is asleep but me. I'm drinking coffee. Usually I'd be happy and relaxed, but I just feel blank and anxious, so anxious. I hate my life. I don't know how it's ever going to be okay. The anniversaries of Emma and Chase are coming up this week and I can't do anything for them because it all seems pointless. They are gone, they are not here, they will never be here. I don't deserve them, don't deserve any of them. I have these beautiful and perfect girls. They are so wonderful. Katie is full of life and adventure and has an opinion on everything. She's obsessed with being "doctor" and Doc McStuffins and there's millions of checkups a day. She knows the name of every medical tool, it's amazing. Her language and comprehension have grown and she has some complex thoughts. Anna is just a laid back sweetheart. She's chill, but refuses to be in the light of her sister, she shines on her own. When she wants to get noticed, she will voice herself. She's all about the milestones, she tracks, she does this army crawl thing and moves around, and she has a very strong core and is good neck/head support. She's always lifting her head straight up and I've started putting her in the seater for a little bit here and there and she loves it.  My husband is supportive, involved, he helps me where he can. My mom comes over and helps where she can too.

All of this good and I'm broken and sad and just crying. Right now I just want to go back to bed and cry and sleep. My weight is terrible, my diet is terrible. I feel so guilty for all of this. I wanted this so bad and what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a piece of shit? No matter what I'm this worthless, awful piece of shit, that somehow got an amazing family I don't deserve and I'm letting them all down. I don't understand why I'm kept on this Earth when I bring nothing good to it (not suicidal).

Anyways, that's part of why it's been hard to blog. I come here to write and then I sit and stare and then just say nevermind. I'm not as active on my communities either. I'm sure they all think I got my babies and now I've deserted them, even though I try not to. I go on and read and then I can't respond. I hate being such a piece of shit, I really do. People deserve better from me.

4 comments:

  1. Hi! I am wondering if it would work to send you a private message somehow? I want to encourage you! You are a GREAT mom, really! If you can, email me and I will email back: thankfulmommy45@gmail.com :)

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  2. This sounds like what I went through after my third baby was born (my second baby was stillborn). Almost exactly. It turns out I had thyroiditis and my tsh was crazy high. I had my meds adjusted and went on anti-depressants as well and feel so much better now - 8 months later. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon.

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  3. Hugs to you! Don't be afraid to get the help you need. It's tough with loss and little ones! Know that you deserve every happiness in the world, including your precious children. They are very blessed to have a mom like you!

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  4. Even though you are not suicidal, there is absolutely no reason why you should continue to go on this way. Get to your pcp, or put in an emergency call to your counselor, and get started on some meds. Will they fix everything? Of course not, and I know you know this. But you ARE a good mom who is in a very awful, torturous place right now, and you 100% deserve to get some help at this point. And yes, the adjustment to two is beyond exhausting and hard, without the roller coaster of emotions you have to deal with during this season of grief and loss as well. It is okay to not love the season of life you are in (honestly, looking back, I did not like baby phase very much at all, and I'm only now emerging from the fog 3 years out from it), but you DO need to be able to cope with it with the help of counseling, medication, and time. YOU are loved and YOU are the mom to all five of your babies that they need.

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