Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Months

How is it possible that my newborn has transformed into an infant? I swear I was just pregnant with her and then she was born and now she's an infant!

Her personality is blossoming as well. Other than colic (8:00 pm to 1:30 am), she doesn't cry much and she's as happy as can be. Her nights and days are still mixed up. She's spending all her waking moments trying to flip over from back to stomach, she has no interest in stomach to back. She can get to her side. She also loves to grab at items. She's very relaxed and just loving life.

I got this outfit at my baby shower and wanted to get a picture of Anna in it before she outgrows it. For me the rainbow is the pain and tears, not my kids. My kids will never be my storm.

She is such an amazing girl and I am lucky to have her. I love getting to see her grow and change and come into her own little by little.

As far as the PPD goes, it's not any better. I did see my therapist last week but the session was more, here's how the past 3 months have gone type thing. I'm struggling a lot and have had a few breakdowns. I did to back on facebook because I had many people messaging me and asking why I deleted them. I honestly couldn't handle the questions and I'm not open with people about how much I'm struggling so I didn't want to explain anything.

The anxiety is bad and so is the depression. I cry a lot. Katie does not like Anna any more now than three months ago. I could go on and on, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I am so ashamed of how I feel. I wanted her so much and how dare I feel like I do?

I called to make an appt with my OB, but he's on vacation this week and next and ti's hard to get in with summer school. So I don't know when I'll be able to see him and I'm losing my nerve anyways. I just want to go crawl into a cave and live there.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Thank You

I want to thank those of you who left me comments and just thank you for the support. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about this. Also more people are finding out I left FB and now I'm having anxiety about reactivating my account. Having everyone be like where did you go and what happened? But one step at a time, trying not to think about that.

I made an appt to see my therapist on Thursday. I'm not sure how to even get myself in her office because I'm deeply ashamed for how I feel. I just want to go hide in a cave. I love my girls so much it's all just so complicated and I hate myself for not enjoying them and feeling the way that I do. However, they are worth their mom getting better so I'm trying. I'm going to make myself go there.

I did yoga last night and I'm feeling better emotionally from that too. I'm trying, I'm really trying. I want to be better, to live better, to find happiness. I love my girls, I really really do.

I'll keep updating, if anything, for the accountability. Thank you guys for the support and the loving words. They mean so much.

Now to show off the pics I had made for DH for his Father's Day gift from the girls. Can you believe Anna will be 3 months old in a week?

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Time for help

I don't know why I'm making this post. I guess to acknowledge out loud and maybe by making it "real", I'll actually get some help.

I am not okay, I'm not doing okay. The PPD/PPA is taking over my life. I have constant anxiety about everything. Every horrific news article becomes the sight of my children. I'm constantly anxious about things and I'm very obsessive over things that need to get done, cleaned up, fixed immediately. I'm also just never happy. DH took Anna last night so I could sleep since with colic and my going back to work I maybe get 2-3 hours a night. This morning everyone is asleep, I was rested, I'm having my coffee and I'm just sad, very very sad. I shouldn't be.

Katie doesn't like her sister and has been quite the threenager. Anna has colic, but otherwise is just sweet and happy. I have an involved and helpful DH. I'm just snappy all the time at everyone and there's lots of anger, where there shouldn't be. I feel connected to the kids, but I don't enjoy them? It's hard to explain. I feel scared to take the girls by myself anywhere, even though I've done it recently.

I hate myself and I feel like a constant failure. I feel like I can't do right by either girl. I don't regret Anna, I love her with all my heart. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have her. However, I feel like I'm really struggling to parent more than one child. Then there's guilt over my angels, because if I'm having this hard a time with adding Anna, how would I have ever managed the twins? Then I feel like I deserved to lose them because I'm obviously not a fit parent. Just on and on these thoughts and feelings go. I break down crying all the time.

I don't want to fight every day. I want to enjoy my family. Yes, this time is challenging, but I don't think I should be struggling as much as I am. I'm ashamed. How long have I wanted this? How much did it take for me to bring another baby home? I feel like it's all my fault, like I'm ungrateful for my family. I just feel so low right now and I can hardly pick up my head.

I'm having panic attacks. I've been trying yoga to see if it helps. It was helping, then while I was at it last Monday (second time), things fell apart at home with DH and now I'm scared to leave the house, although he tells me to go and that it's okay. Basically Katie's behavior was out of control while I was out, escalating to the dangerous while he was holding and feeding Anna. He said for me to go again on Monday and it would be okay at home. I said okay, but I'm really hesitant. I know I should call my counselor too and I want to, maybe this will make me actually do it rather than acknowledge I need to and then not. That would take me away from home two evenings a week for about two hours, when you add in commuting time.

I feel like I can't leave, like I need to be here with them all the time. I drive as fast I can home from work, I don't let DH take Anna at night unless I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just not doing okay. I deactivated my Facebook last Monday after I got back from yoga and had a panic attack. I also got into a fight with DH over the twins ashes and told him I was moving out with the kids. Just all kinds of irrational thinking.

I don't do well with SSRIs so I won't be getting those. I did do well with Klonopin to help my anxiety, but I'm still BFing some. Anna will no longer nurse, but I pump and make enough for two bottles a day. I've decided I'll stop when she's 3 months because it's taking a lot more work for me to feed her than the benefit is. I might consider meds after that. I dunno. I don't know anything anymore.

I hate that I let everyone down. I hate that I'm such a failure. I hate that I don't deserve my kids. That I'm not the mom they deserve. I hate that I'm not better.