Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Months

How is it possible that my newborn has transformed into an infant? I swear I was just pregnant with her and then she was born and now she's an infant!

Her personality is blossoming as well. Other than colic (8:00 pm to 1:30 am), she doesn't cry much and she's as happy as can be. Her nights and days are still mixed up. She's spending all her waking moments trying to flip over from back to stomach, she has no interest in stomach to back. She can get to her side. She also loves to grab at items. She's very relaxed and just loving life.

I got this outfit at my baby shower and wanted to get a picture of Anna in it before she outgrows it. For me the rainbow is the pain and tears, not my kids. My kids will never be my storm.

She is such an amazing girl and I am lucky to have her. I love getting to see her grow and change and come into her own little by little.

As far as the PPD goes, it's not any better. I did see my therapist last week but the session was more, here's how the past 3 months have gone type thing. I'm struggling a lot and have had a few breakdowns. I did to back on facebook because I had many people messaging me and asking why I deleted them. I honestly couldn't handle the questions and I'm not open with people about how much I'm struggling so I didn't want to explain anything.

The anxiety is bad and so is the depression. I cry a lot. Katie does not like Anna any more now than three months ago. I could go on and on, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I am so ashamed of how I feel. I wanted her so much and how dare I feel like I do?

I called to make an appt with my OB, but he's on vacation this week and next and ti's hard to get in with summer school. So I don't know when I'll be able to see him and I'm losing my nerve anyways. I just want to go crawl into a cave and live there.


  1. When do you see your therapist next? Do you have a PCP? Anna is perfectly adorable, and a lot of Katie's resentment toward her sister is probably her picking up on the changes in you. From her perspective, it probably seems as if the baby came and mama is now sad all the time. If you don't get some more immediate help for yourself (yes, antidepressants or antianxiety meds), please do it for the sake of your family and your babies. They deserve to have you as a whole and healthy mama.

    1. I see therapist July 5th. I don't have a pcp, I'm searching for one.

      I've been struggling since before Anna, after I lost the twins. I struggled a lot with grief. I could see maybe my mood is affecting her, although I've made a conscious effort to do more with her since Anna, so she now gets more mommy time than before.

    2. Yeah, you've definitely been on an emotional roller coaster for quite some time, and I know the grief is never going to "go away", it will be something you have to live with and make room for and somehow make peace with. But it definitely seems like the PPD is much worse, so that's where I was thinking that Katie may be picking up on some of it. Kids seem more perceptive to our moods and emotions than we give them credit for. Having struggled with PPA and PPD with both my kids, it was infinitely better the second time around when I went on medication. I knew what it was like to have struggled through the first time without help, and I didn't want my husband having to deal with that again. It was pretty detrimental for our family, and that was without any major triggers or losses like you've had. It's great that you are working with your therapist, too.

    3. I do have klonopin left over from before I conceived that I plan on starting soon while I get to my OB. I def want to get better for myself and my family. I'm almost done weaning, I pumped once a day now. I'll see how I am tomorrow but I'm the next day or two I'll stop completely and then I can try stuff

  2. I have followed your blog for some time (not sure how I came across it) but just recently started an evaluation for secondary infertility after 2 miscarriages this past year. I am a pediatrician at Texas Children's and we have a wonderful clinic called 'The Woman's Place' that specializes in reproductive psychiatry. They have a clinic in Willowbrook that has appointments 2 days a week. If you call them they can typically get you seen very quickly. There are only a handful of clinics like this in the country and it is run by a doctor who is an expert in the field. Here is the website:

    The number for the Willowbrook clinic is:

    They want to help and will not give you the runaround. They take care of women with PPD/PPA but also people struggling with infertility, pregnancy/infant loss, premenstrual mood disorders, etc.

    1. I called the number you gave me, I was told they don't have that there or any kind of psychologist/psychiatrist. They said they could refer me to an OB. I appreciate you trying to help.

      I'm so sorry about your losses and the secondary infertility struggles. There's a lot of REs in the area and hopefully you can get your rainbow soon. I saw Dr. Michael Allon for my RE.

    2. I tried again by calling the number on the website instead of the one you gave me. They said their doctor who normally comes out to the Willowbrook area is on maternity leave, so other doctors are covering it and they only come once a week. Long story short, I can't get an appt prior to 8/22 so I just said never mind. I really do appreciate that you tried to help me.

    3. So sorry about giving you the wrong number! I shouldn't have trusted google maps.

      It's so frustrating that there are so many roadblocks for us when it comes to getting help. This is so common and makes us moms miserable. You are not alone!

      If your daughter's pediatrician is with TCH they can put in an ASAP referral for you and maybe get you in sooner. Might be worth a try. Hang in there.

      I am seeing Dr Skorupski at the HFI Willowbrook location. Still doing the initial workup and the one thing I have learned is that nothing moves quickly. So much waiting.

    4. Lots of waiting with infertility. My first RE was with HFI but in The Woodlands location. I hope Dr K can help give you your THB. It's all just very hard. The waiting, the money, the emotions.

      Our pedi used to be with TCH but they had a falling out about two years ago and I followed him to his new location.