I don't know why I'm making this post. I guess to acknowledge out loud and maybe by making it "real", I'll actually get some help.
I am not okay, I'm not doing okay. The PPD/PPA is taking over my life. I have constant anxiety about everything. Every horrific news article becomes the sight of my children. I'm constantly anxious about things and I'm very obsessive over things that need to get done, cleaned up, fixed immediately. I'm also just never happy. DH took Anna last night so I could sleep since with colic and my going back to work I maybe get 2-3 hours a night. This morning everyone is asleep, I was rested, I'm having my coffee and I'm just sad, very very sad. I shouldn't be.
Katie doesn't like her sister and has been quite the threenager. Anna has colic, but otherwise is just sweet and happy. I have an involved and helpful DH. I'm just snappy all the time at everyone and there's lots of anger, where there shouldn't be. I feel connected to the kids, but I don't enjoy them? It's hard to explain. I feel scared to take the girls by myself anywhere, even though I've done it recently.
I hate myself and I feel like a constant failure. I feel like I can't do right by either girl. I don't regret Anna, I love her with all my heart. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have her. However, I feel like I'm really struggling to parent more than one child. Then there's guilt over my angels, because if I'm having this hard a time with adding Anna, how would I have ever managed the twins? Then I feel like I deserved to lose them because I'm obviously not a fit parent. Just on and on these thoughts and feelings go. I break down crying all the time.
I don't want to fight every day. I want to enjoy my family. Yes, this time is challenging, but I don't think I should be struggling as much as I am. I'm ashamed. How long have I wanted this? How much did it take for me to bring another baby home? I feel like it's all my fault, like I'm ungrateful for my family. I just feel so low right now and I can hardly pick up my head.
I'm having panic attacks. I've been trying yoga to see if it helps. It was helping, then while I was at it last Monday (second time), things fell apart at home with DH and now I'm scared to leave the house, although he tells me to go and that it's okay. Basically Katie's behavior was out of control while I was out, escalating to the dangerous while he was holding and feeding Anna. He said for me to go again on Monday and it would be okay at home. I said okay, but I'm really hesitant. I know I should call my counselor too and I want to, maybe this will make me actually do it rather than acknowledge I need to and then not. That would take me away from home two evenings a week for about two hours, when you add in commuting time.
I feel like I can't leave, like I need to be here with them all the time. I drive as fast I can home from work, I don't let DH take Anna at night unless I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just not doing okay. I deactivated my Facebook last Monday after I got back from yoga and had a panic attack. I also got into a fight with DH over the twins ashes and told him I was moving out with the kids. Just all kinds of irrational thinking.
I don't do well with SSRIs so I won't be getting those. I did do well with Klonopin to help my anxiety, but I'm still BFing some. Anna will no longer nurse, but I pump and make enough for two bottles a day. I've decided I'll stop when she's 3 months because it's taking a lot more work for me to feed her than the benefit is. I might consider meds after that. I dunno. I don't know anything anymore.
I hate that I let everyone down. I hate that I'm such a failure. I hate that I don't deserve my kids. That I'm not the mom they deserve. I hate that I'm not better.