Friday, July 28, 2017

4 months

I'll start with the cute one and then go into the PPD/PPA update.

Can you believe Miss Anna Belle is 4 months????  I sure can't either. She is all kinds of active. She's loving her jumparoo and sit in piano toy and this weekend I'm getting her an exersaucer. She also loves her doorway bouncer and playmat. She is so sweet and smiley almost all the time and crying is reserved for hungry and/or tired. She coos a lot too and I think she'll end up being an early talker.

Even though she turned 4 months yesterday, I wanted to post today after her pedi appt. She is 14 lbs and 23" tall. She's short in height and average in weight. She has eczema and some bad red areas from it. Pedi is prescribing a steroid cream to help with the worse areas and I'm to use eczema lotion as much as I can. Her head is slightly flat, but nothing that shouldn't correct herself. She's developmentally on target.

Here's a comparison with big sister Kate. Big sister weighed 16 lbs. 5 oz and was 24" tall at four months.

Here's some other fun photos of Anna taken in the last month

Big Sister

Things are not great in this department. Katie very strongly dislikes Anna. She asks us to take her back. She won't interact with her and has tried taking her toys away. She also gets mad if she's in certain playthings, like the swing. If Anna requires "too much" attention, then Katie responds by peeing in her panties. I was hoping she'd be over this stuff by now, but no. For a while it was got bad where anytime Anna was being held or fed she was engaging in dangerous behavior like jumping from furniture. Luckily this has stopped. I'm having a hard time with this situation and honestly I'm just very sad about it.


Not sure where I left off with this, but Wellbutrin didn't do anything for me. I ended up seeing my pedi two weeks ago and have started on Zoloft. Since starting it I haven't had any major breakdowns or crying fits. He also increased my Klonopin and unfortunately I need it most days.

I feel very disconnected and still sad, although I guess more functional, especially now that I'm not breaking down. I'm still very upset with myself for this, but I guess it is what it is.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


I've been on the Zoloft since Saturday. I saw online it can cause insomnia, so I chose to take it in the morning. For me it was causing sleepiness, so last night I tried it at night and I did experience pretty bad insomnia and nausea.

It's only been a few days, but I do feel calmer. I'm not breaking down as much and I feel functional. One bonus side effect is low appetite. I need to lose some weight anyways.

Today I feel angry and depressed. Just angry that I have to take the meds, angry about the PPD. Angry that I have issues, that I can't just enjoy my family. I have two beautiful an amazing girls and I'm trapped in this emotional hell and I'm missing them and missing their lives. I'm so angry at myself. How much of Katie's life did I miss after losing the twins? Now Anna. Se's already almost 4 months old and how present have I been? Truly present. You don't ever get this time back.

I hate being the way that I am. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I can't just get over, get past, get wherever it is I need to be to just live my life, enjoy my girls. I'll always miss my other twins, but will life always hurt so bad? Will I always be on the outside looking in wishing I could just live it?

It's hard to explain. I'm just sad and I'm angry and I wish I was a better person.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Followup with OB

I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.

Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?

I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.

I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.

I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.

Sunday, July 9, 2017


Keeping this short since I honestly have a hard time talking about the ppd without wanting to shut down and crawl into a hole.

I've tried yoga for a while now and while it helps a bit, I still struggle a lot. I tried a supplement and I thought the first day it was life changing, but it seems like it only worked that one day. I had an appt with my counselor and was supposed to have another one this week. I didn't feel like I got much out of it the first appt, almost like the PPD was dismissed. I accidentally missed the next appt because we changed the time and I forgot. She didn't have any other openings. I scheduled for next week and then cancelled because I struggle to talk about anything and I just don't feel it's going to make a diff.

All other resources posted on my blog or given to me from anyone who knows have come to dead ends. People on maternity leave so I can't be seen for over a month, no people to see in my area (very hard to travel too far with a job and two young kids), so nothing much worked out. I called my OBs office again since I have a work break first week of August. I talked to the nurse who talked to another doctor there and they don't want me to wait for meds. They asked me about Lexapro, but I had a horrible reaction about a year and a half ago on it. So they are trying Welbutrin. I'm also taking the Klonopin for the anxiety and that's working well for that, but not the depression.

I've been on Welbutrin since Thursday and so far no difference. My cycles have started back too, so that's fun.  OB will supposedly call on Monday to check in with me since he'll be back in the office and then they can do an in person follow up the week I have off of work. We'll see. I know I took this med once before years ago and I don't think it did anything, but that was under diff circumstances.

I hate myself so much for this. I have a good family and I love them, I just hate the way I feel and I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of them. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.