Tuesday, July 18, 2017

emotions

I've been on the Zoloft since Saturday. I saw online it can cause insomnia, so I chose to take it in the morning. For me it was causing sleepiness, so last night I tried it at night and I did experience pretty bad insomnia and nausea.

It's only been a few days, but I do feel calmer. I'm not breaking down as much and I feel functional. One bonus side effect is low appetite. I need to lose some weight anyways.

Today I feel angry and depressed. Just angry that I have to take the meds, angry about the PPD. Angry that I have issues, that I can't just enjoy my family. I have two beautiful an amazing girls and I'm trapped in this emotional hell and I'm missing them and missing their lives. I'm so angry at myself. How much of Katie's life did I miss after losing the twins? Now Anna. Se's already almost 4 months old and how present have I been? Truly present. You don't ever get this time back.

I hate being the way that I am. I'm mad at myself. Mad that I can't just get over, get past, get wherever it is I need to be to just live my life, enjoy my girls. I'll always miss my other twins, but will life always hurt so bad? Will I always be on the outside looking in wishing I could just live it?

It's hard to explain. I'm just sad and I'm angry and I wish I was a better person.

1 comment:

  1. I admire your strength to recognize that there is something wrong and to seek treatment. Good for you, in the end you will come out much stronger for your girls. When you find the energy make sure you make time for yourself, yoga is amazing if you haven't tried it already. Make sure you find an instructor you mesh well with or it won't be as fun. Good luck with everything.

    ReplyDelete