Friday, July 14, 2017

Followup with OB

I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.

Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?

I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.

I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.

I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.


  1. Zoloft was a miracle for my daughter, who suffered from anxiety and depression. She's been on a low dose for 18 months and it totally changed her life. I hope the same happens for you. I hate that you're feeling so badly during what should be a great time in your life :( I've been on an anti-depressant for about six years and wish I had done it sooner. It frees me to be who I really am - loving, easy-going, fun, and someone who truly enjoys her children rather than an irritable, crabby mom who just tries to get through the day. Maybe I'll have to take them the rest of my life and that's totally okay with me.

  2. You are a wonderful mom and wife, Amber! I know this sounds really extreme, but there really is a spiritual battle going on for your mind. Focus only on what is true. You LOVE your kids...SO MUCH! You have two adorable daughters here on earth, and three precious ones waiting in Heaven. And a husband who loves you. Hold on to what is true, my dear. And please, let me know if I can help. I wish I lived near you! Love, Kristin