I saw my OB today. I've been on the Wellbutrin for just over a week and haven't noticed any changes at all. I know these meds aren't supposed to work overnight, but he said most see something. I also had two complete breakdown episodes earlier this week where I just fell apart crying so hard I just couldn't get it together. Then I started going back to wishing I'd died with the twins because obviously I'm not any kind of decent parent. I want to note I'm not suicidal, just feeling like a horrible mother.
Anyways, I saw my OB today and told him everything about how I'm feeling and how I'm thinking. The anxiety portion as well as the depression portion. The part about falling part and having trouble keeping it together. He decided to switch me off Wellbutrin and I'll be trying Zoloft. He also increased my Klonopin slightly, but told me to really only take it as a last resort as it can be dangerous if you're driving and stuff. I'll start the Zoloft tonight. He said we'll give it a month and if there's no improvement, then he wants me to refer me to someone with more experience with this who can help me because he doesn't want to just go from pill to pill to pill. He was really great and understanding and just such a great doctor. I broke down in his office some, because I don't feel I have a right to feel the way that I do. How long I wanted Anna, the road it took to bring her home and for what? To give her less than the best? To be such a bad mom to her and to Kate?
I've declined a lot in the past week as far as my mental health goes. I missed an appt with my therapist because she changed my time last week over the holiday and I forgot and missed it and then she couldn't fit me in this week. Since I didn't feel I had a great appt with her before and now it's going on 3 weeks I just cancelled it, because what's the point? I'm also unsure if I'm going to yoga on Monday. I feel like quitting everything and just crawling into a hole.
I don't think I'm in a normal frame of mind. I think right now things are distorted because of my mental state so I can't really tell what is true and what is my perception. I'm hoping the medication can do that much, just get me to where I'm functional so I can figure out the next course of action. I don't want to be a lifer on the meds, but right now it's obvious I need something and I think it's the first step.
I'm still very, very ashamed of this. I can't believe how bad I'm letting down my family, but maybe the Zoloft will help. Maybe it can be a turning point for me. We'll see.