Sunday, July 9, 2017

Update

Keeping this short since I honestly have a hard time talking about the ppd without wanting to shut down and crawl into a hole.

I've tried yoga for a while now and while it helps a bit, I still struggle a lot. I tried a supplement and I thought the first day it was life changing, but it seems like it only worked that one day. I had an appt with my counselor and was supposed to have another one this week. I didn't feel like I got much out of it the first appt, almost like the PPD was dismissed. I accidentally missed the next appt because we changed the time and I forgot. She didn't have any other openings. I scheduled for next week and then cancelled because I struggle to talk about anything and I just don't feel it's going to make a diff.

All other resources posted on my blog or given to me from anyone who knows have come to dead ends. People on maternity leave so I can't be seen for over a month, no people to see in my area (very hard to travel too far with a job and two young kids), so nothing much worked out. I called my OBs office again since I have a work break first week of August. I talked to the nurse who talked to another doctor there and they don't want me to wait for meds. They asked me about Lexapro, but I had a horrible reaction about a year and a half ago on it. So they are trying Welbutrin. I'm also taking the Klonopin for the anxiety and that's working well for that, but not the depression.

I've been on Welbutrin since Thursday and so far no difference. My cycles have started back too, so that's fun.  OB will supposedly call on Monday to check in with me since he'll be back in the office and then they can do an in person follow up the week I have off of work. We'll see. I know I took this med once before years ago and I don't think it did anything, but that was under diff circumstances.

I hate myself so much for this. I have a good family and I love them, I just hate the way I feel and I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of them. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.

3 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry for the pain you are enduring. I honestly don't know much about PPD or the types of trauma you have been thru. But woman to woman I just want to send my love. I think you are doing an amazing job reaching out for help as best you can. I do know the effort that takes. (((Hugs)))

    - Annielizbeth

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  2. You have infinite worth and deserve every blessing of happiness and peace. Don't give up! Keep trying to find what works best for you! Hugs and prayers to you!

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  3. Sending hugs to you. Keep fighting for you. I'm so glad you have been working to move forward for your wellbeing. It may not always seem like it but you're working hard. I pray the positive progress will be noticeable for you as soon as possible. xoxo

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