Thursday, August 31, 2017

PTSD and Harvey

Even before Anna was born, I've been struggling with PTSD since the twins loss. One thing that makes it really bad is rain, particularly a bad storm.

I do live in the Houston area and I was affected by Hurricane Harvey. Let me begin with I am VERY lucky. I kept my electricity the whole time and my house did not flood. We did have a small leak in the attic, but the bucket didn't fill very much even with the raging storm that went on nonstop Friday-Tuesday night. Will be getting a sealant to fix that leak, but otherwise we've remained pretty good.

The emotional take from the storm has been horrible. I've been struggling with PPD since Anna's birth, then on top of it the storm. I couldn't get away from the night the twins were born because at that time we were going through some horrible storms that also caused flooding and shut down schools and roads. In fact, no one made it out to see Chase (A friend who was trapped in the hospital with me from the storms was the only one there) because of how bad it was.

A couple of days into Harvey I also got AF, so there's cramping, bleeding, and a raging storm and emotionally I could barely take it. I held it together, but now that the storm is over, I find my feelings too much to control and I'm crying and falling apart.

I was supposed to have counseling today and to be honest, I was already thinking of cancelling because I don't feel it's helping much this time. However, my therapist left me a message yesterday that the office is flooded so bad they have to close for a while and have no idea when the office will be safe again to work in or if they'll find another one, so for now I wait, but she told me it would be a few weeks minimum.

Last night I fell apart and started crying. My husband put both kids down because the cramping was horrible and I just couldn't function. I hate myself for all of this. I hate who I am, I hate that I struggle, I hate that I can't just get over it and move on. Look at how wonderful my girls are, they deserve the best.

I feel like it's never going to get better for me. I want to find a pill to turn off the feelings. I don't want to feel anything any more, just be numb so I can try and be the person people deserve. I've retreated so much. I don't talk to my friends hardly at all, I don't post in my online group although I read along and check. I just can't. I can't and I hate me, I hate me so much.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

5 months

Not sure how it suddenly became 5 months, but here we are. Not sure what to think to be honest. Anna continues to be such a sweetheart. I swear, for anyone who's seen it, she's the lego movie. She's just "Everything is awesome", all the time. She's so smiley and happy.

The skin is feeling more like baby skin now thanks for a very good eczema cream. She still only takes in 3-4 oz at a time and in general is a smaller baby. She still wears 3 months clothes, sometimes I put her in 6 months, but she has lots of room to grow in those.

She still needs to be swaddled and sleeps in a merlin. She doesn't roll over yet. She's kind of just happy where she's at. She loves jumping on her jumparoo and bouncer. She's reaching for items and putting all the things in her mouth. No teeth yet. She LOVES people, she likes dolls and anything with faces. She loves songs and music, especially Soft Kitty. She's just a happy baby and she touches my heart and soul.

Katie is growing a lot more accepting of her. She's more herself and less resentful although, of course, we still have our moments.

My PPD is not good. The Zoloft helped for a bit, then it made me worse and I started having thoughts of self-harm. I reduced it and while I no longer breakdown crying, I'm still depressed a lot. I think I'm dealing with guilt/grief over twins. I'm also chronically tired. I was on a diet for a bit, but lost no weight and gained no energy. I just want to sleep all the time. I'm planning to get a physical and do a full round of bloodwork and go from there. It's just been hard and I feel like a piece of shit human who's abandoned everyone and everything and I'm sorry, I just spend each day trying to get through it. I very much rely on the Klonopin for anxiety.

So......  Here's Miss Anna Belle at 5 months old! She had her first food today, a banana and was not a fan, lol!!

Saturday, August 12, 2017

missing my twins

Now that the depression has lifted I feel myself struggling with the loss of the twins more. I feel like in the last month I've met quite a few people who have twins and as I'm getting to see Anna grow more and see the similarities and differences between her and Kate I find myself having a hard time with the losses again. Like why? Why are my twins gone? I still don't understand it, although I have to learn to make peace with it. I'm just having a very, very hard time and I find myself again dealing with anger.

A very good friend of mine had twins in Feb. Today is the bday party for her four year old and of course we're going, but I don't want to. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to see her babies. It's weird because I've seen them a lot since being born and it's just now bothering me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it today. I feel like such a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Why aren't Anna and Kate enough? Why does it still hurt this bad? Will I ever get "over" it? I'm just really, really struggling. I feel like now that my Zoloft has gotten rid of the overall sadness i'm just left with this awful pain. Should I increase my Zoloft? I feel like taking all of them right now (I won't, I'm not suicidal, just hurting atm).

Please send me some thoughts, some prayers, something to help me get through today.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

PPD Update

For once I'm going to have a better update, a more positive one.

I've been on Zoloft just shy of 4 weeks now and I can't even explain the change in me. I enjoy being with my girls. I feel connected to them. I feel some happiness, like deep inside, and just so much gratefulness for my precious girls.

Katie and I had a date on Monday because I'm returning to work tomorrow full-time and we got haircuts, lunch, and mani/pedi. Well, mani/pedi for her and just a pedi for me. It was her first time at a salon and it was just so much fun. I truly enjoyed it and just felt so grateful that after the infertility, the tears, the losses, I have these two girls to raise.

I miss my others with all my heart, but it's not taking away from the joy these two bring me. Anna has smiles that go on for miles. She only cries if she's hungry or tired. Otherwise it's great big smiles and contentment. Big sister is getting adjusted more. Her BM issues are so much better, she's going in the potty regularly now. She's no longer afraid. She's interacting with her sister and helping soothe her when she cries and even plays with her a little bit. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it's only the Zoloft. I know without it I'd still be in that dark, gray place. I still hate that, but I'm glad for now I'm feeling better and can be a better mom, wife, friend, etc. I do feel robbed of my summer due to the ppd. You don't realize how bad it was until you feel better.

So, here I am, finally with a happier update. Ready to make the most of my last day with my girls before the craziness of work.