Saturday, August 12, 2017

missing my twins

Now that the depression has lifted I feel myself struggling with the loss of the twins more. I feel like in the last month I've met quite a few people who have twins and as I'm getting to see Anna grow more and see the similarities and differences between her and Kate I find myself having a hard time with the losses again. Like why? Why are my twins gone? I still don't understand it, although I have to learn to make peace with it. I'm just having a very, very hard time and I find myself again dealing with anger.

A very good friend of mine had twins in Feb. Today is the bday party for her four year old and of course we're going, but I don't want to. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to see her babies. It's weird because I've seen them a lot since being born and it's just now bothering me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it today. I feel like such a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Why aren't Anna and Kate enough? Why does it still hurt this bad? Will I ever get "over" it? I'm just really, really struggling. I feel like now that my Zoloft has gotten rid of the overall sadness i'm just left with this awful pain. Should I increase my Zoloft? I feel like taking all of them right now (I won't, I'm not suicidal, just hurting atm).

Please send me some thoughts, some prayers, something to help me get through today.

2 comments:

  1. You are not a horrible person. And a loss like you experienced can't simply be "replaced". You know this so well. It makes complete sense that no matter how much you love Kate and Anna, there is a void. There always will be a yearning for them, I'm sure.
    My only encouragement is that we were made for something better: Heaven. Until we are there we will experience immense hurt and pain at times. Jesus loves you so much, and died so that we can know him and go to Heaven.
    I wish so much I could take you out for a cappuccino and bring you flowers and give you a hug.
    Love, Kristin

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  2. Sending you love and prayers that God will find a way to comfort you and give you peace. You are not a horrible person, you are a changed person who loved and will grieve your babies for the rest of your life. I would imagine there will always be triggers and that the pain will ebb and flow and change as time passes. I hope that you were able to get through this tough day and that the week ahead will get better.

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