Saturday, August 12, 2017

missing my twins

Now that the depression has lifted I feel myself struggling with the loss of the twins more. I feel like in the last month I've met quite a few people who have twins and as I'm getting to see Anna grow more and see the similarities and differences between her and Kate I find myself having a hard time with the losses again. Like why? Why are my twins gone? I still don't understand it, although I have to learn to make peace with it. I'm just having a very, very hard time and I find myself again dealing with anger.

A very good friend of mine had twins in Feb. Today is the bday party for her four year old and of course we're going, but I don't want to. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to see her babies. It's weird because I've seen them a lot since being born and it's just now bothering me a lot. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it today. I feel like such a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Why aren't Anna and Kate enough? Why does it still hurt this bad? Will I ever get "over" it? I'm just really, really struggling. I feel like now that my Zoloft has gotten rid of the overall sadness i'm just left with this awful pain. Should I increase my Zoloft? I feel like taking all of them right now (I won't, I'm not suicidal, just hurting atm).

Please send me some thoughts, some prayers, something to help me get through today.


  1. You are not a horrible person. And a loss like you experienced can't simply be "replaced". You know this so well. It makes complete sense that no matter how much you love Kate and Anna, there is a void. There always will be a yearning for them, I'm sure.
    My only encouragement is that we were made for something better: Heaven. Until we are there we will experience immense hurt and pain at times. Jesus loves you so much, and died so that we can know him and go to Heaven.
    I wish so much I could take you out for a cappuccino and bring you flowers and give you a hug.
    Love, Kristin

  2. Sending you love and prayers that God will find a way to comfort you and give you peace. You are not a horrible person, you are a changed person who loved and will grieve your babies for the rest of your life. I would imagine there will always be triggers and that the pain will ebb and flow and change as time passes. I hope that you were able to get through this tough day and that the week ahead will get better.